Kill This Character, Please!

Shred the Dress. And the Card.

2009-11-10T18:43:00.003-05:00

"Hey, Honey, we can't go on vacation because I blew all of our credit-card miles on this dress!"

This commercial is just ridiculous. First off, the credit card companies are busily slashing their customer base and their customers' credit lines. Second, you'll have to hunt a long way to find a straight guy who is going to be happy at the idea that, instead of being able to use the credit-card points to take a vacation, his wife used them to buy a very expensive dress. From his approving expression when she models the dress, he's probably a closeted drag queen and as soon as she goes off to work, he's going to try on that number.

Use the dress to polish your shoes. Shitcan this commercial.

Go Like a Pro- and Fucking Retire, Already

2009-10-30T06:41:00.003-04:00

I am so sick of this one:

So National Car Rental lets you choose which color of a fleet-purchased-GM-piece-of-shit you get to rent. Big Fucking Deal. That's why you should choose National, because you get to choose the color of the car you're going to rent? Do people even open the door to see if the inside smells of puke or check the trunk for bodies?

Retire this ad.

Top Queen

2009-10-18T21:33:00.003-04:00

What's Tiny and Macho?

Okay, okay, I admit I'm a little late to climb on the Top Gun fighter jet, but I'm just seeing Top Gun for the first time while waiting for Mad Men to come on AMC.
Was Tom Cruise kidding?
Can Navy fighter pilots actually be 19-years-old, 5'2" and gay?
It's hard to believe anyone actually bought this character and his weenie little voice, acting all butch n' stuff.
How would I kill this character?
I'd back the jet over him on the tarmac and squash him like the icky little bug he is.

Drown This Guy.

2009-10-18T10:35:00.003-04:00

Or have him eaten by a very large octopus. It's all the same to me.

Hang Up On This Clown

2009-09-29T07:16:00.004-04:00

Stephen Colbert's "Atone Phone":

The Colbert Report has been doing this bit for the last three years. It was reasonably funny two years ago, but now, it has crossed over into total lameness. Ending the bit now would be a preemptive move, as next year, it will be so stale a gag that it totally sucks.

Disconnect this one.

Low Calories and It Doesn't Taste Like Battery Acid

2009-07-21T07:34:00.004-04:00

That seems to be the underlying pitch for Bud Light, that it has "drinkability", which seems to be beer-speak for "at least your throat won't swell shut if you drink our stuff."

Bud Light is to beer what Thunderbird is to wine. The only reasons to drink either one is because you need to get shitfaced, you don't have a lot of cash for accomplishing the task and you're too much of a pussy to just go the hard-core route and buy a plastic jug of cheap-ass vodka.

"Drinkability" is a self-selecting con; anyone stupid enough to believe that hype really should be drinking Bud Light.

Buick Enclave Ad

2009-07-12T11:34:00.004-04:00

1. There is nothing sexy or hip about a Buick Enclave.
2. Hiring a phony, pretentious "director" to film a car in a luxurious setting when the car is better suited to a supermarket parking lot is insulting to consumers.
3. The phony director saying he "needs Zen time with this model" is loathsome. Since when is Zen synonymous with fucking, which is the implied message?
4. Why does the phony director call himself the Robin Hood of whatever? What's that got to do with anything?
5. Why is Buick trying to sell this piece of crap to hipsters? If you were 30 and had a hot date, would he or she driving up in a car like this impress you, or would you immediately look in the back for the baby seat?

How to kill this character?
Gimme the keys, I'll run him over, then throw his gasping body into the deep end.

We Meant the Character, Not the Person

2009-06-28T13:52:00.005-04:00

Billy Mays, dead at age 50.

With our luck, they'll replace him with Gilbert Gottfried.

Steer a Tornado Right Over These Clowns

2009-06-10T06:54:00.002-04:00

Vortex 2 on the Weather Channel:

Tornado research is not a bad thing and the Vortex 2 Project is a lot larger than the Weather Channel's piece of it. But damn, can the people at the Weather Channel not talk about it 87 times each hour?

Melt This One Down For Scrap

2009-05-26T06:59:00.006-04:00

The various models of the Terminator:

The movies in the Terminator series have been on a long slide downhill and T-4, excuse me "Terminator Salvation" accelerates the descent. The first movie was a pretty good story. After that, each movie chipped away at having a coherent story, though T-2 was good with Linda Hamilton transitioning from terrified waitress in T-1 to guerrilla master in T-2.

T-3 had long extended action sequences that were reminiscent of a Warner Brothers cartoon, including an extremely ridiculous chase sequence in which the bad terminator, driving a large crane, chased the good terminator and John Connor. T-4 substitutes the long chase scenes of T-3 with a lot of loud explosions and sets that make the movie Sin City look real by comparison. Like every movie in the series since T-2, this one has a "good" terminator, though this one, for reasons best left unexplained (if you still want to see this steaming pile of dreck), comes to fight on the side of humanity on its own.

Script pitch: Year 2018. Good terminator helps John Connor save the young man who will become his father. The two blow up Skynet's base in San Francisco. Good terminator sacrifices himself to save Connor. Fade to credits.

The Terminator series needs to end, now. The next person to pitch a T-5 concept should be flogged with barbed wire.

Collect up all of the Terminator models and melt them down.

(We'll be dealing with the real thing by the end of this century, anyway.)

Quizzno's Gay Sandwich

2009-05-10T22:35:00.005-04:00

When You Hear a Male Voice Say, "Put It In Me, Scott..."

Hey, I'm all for queerie stuff on TV, but come on, a phallic sandwich and a talking male toaster oven asking a male to stick it in?
Who exactly are they trying to sell this sandwich to, Log Cabin Republicans?
As a self respecting lesbian, I might enjoy a sandwich like the new Quizzno's Torpedo, but do I really want to be thinking about some guy asking another guy to stick it in while I've got my mouth wrapped around it?
What's next, a Taco Bell ad with a female talking piece of foil asking some woman to "Lick my delicious taco?"
Well?

He's back

2009-05-09T15:42:00.000-04:00

enough said

more flags, more fun, more puke

Cuban GYN/Car Salesman? WTF?

2009-05-07T23:20:00.003-04:00

There should be some sort of qualifier before just anyone can cut a TV ad.
This guy shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a vagina or a Volkswagen, a hymen or a Hyundai, a labia or a Lexus, a pussy or a Prius, or a cooter or a Cougar.

How would I kill this character? I'd run him over in a Volkswagen, then a Hyundai, then a Lexus, then a Prius, then finish him off with a Cougar.

Twilight, Moonlight, Whatever.

2009-05-05T14:07:00.006-04:00

Vampires. Zombies. Werewolves. Whatever.

Kill them all.

Let Lucifer sort them out.

(Thanks to CrankyProf for reminding me how much vampires and zombies annoy the shit out of me)

FGetch a large scrub brush and a bucket of lard.

2009-05-05T13:30:00.002-04:00

Robert Pattison is the greasy, whiny, emo douche who plays a greasy, whiny emo douche vampire that sparkles in "Twilight."

As far as I can tell, his only real talent as an actor is that he repels soap and makes little tweener girls squee at ear-shattering pitches.

Can we 86 the sparkly vampire and relegate this guy to third-line fry cook at Bob's House of Vinegar and Water?

WTF?

2009-04-29T23:31:00.004-04:00

Where, oh where do I start?
First, the King himself is pure therapy fodder for any kiddies who watch his shiny, pedophiley face and gigantic noggin perched upon his normal adult male body, which incidentally is wearing a freakin' skirt, bobby socks and pointy Mary Janes.
But with burger joints like BK to blame for kazillions of obese children, are square butts really something they should be shooting for?
Didja ever see a woman with a square butt? Was she skinny?
No, she was not.
Butts are not square by nature. It takes a lotta lard to get a butt to turn square, unless you're a yellow kitchen sponge, and they don't exist, much less eat burgers.
And besides, this ad featuring square butts shows rectangular butts, not square butts.
It would be like Sesame Street characters singing 'The Circle Game' while playing with ovals.
And what's with calling them butts?
When I was little, butt was a bad word. I guess now a three-year-old tells his pediatrician he doesn't want a shot in his butt?

So let's review:

The King is creepy enough.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's original song, "I Like Big Butts" refers to a sexual preference, and should toddlers start preferring certain types of body parts at that age?
Sponge Bob Squarepants is almost as creepy as The King.
Square butts are nothing to shoot for.
Rectangles are not squares.
'Butt' is too mature a word for toddlers to be throwing around.

How would I kill this character?
With telephone book-piercing ammunition and a couple of blasts to the butt.

Soldiers! Destroy That Nose!

2009-04-22T09:01:00.002-04:00

If you watch the news, you've probably seen the Omnaris ad with the legion of itty biddy soldiers who muscle up a nose spray to some woman suffering from allergies or congestion or a lack of cocaine.

This is the ad:

The really stupid thing about this ad is its obvious use of imagery from the movie Patton.

Reaching back to a movie that is nearly thirty years old would seem to be to be an advertising strategy that is insane beyond belief: "Hey, let's target our advertising for our new allergy drug to people who are old enough to join AARP." At this time of year, lots of people suffer from allergies, not just people who use glucosamine pills to lubricate their joints.

May the allergy sufferer sneeze and blow all of those little bastards to Hell.

The GEICO Eyes

2009-04-04T03:19:00.003-04:00

I'm almost ashamed I have GEICO car insurance.
I don't mind their little British gecko, but between the cavemen and this ad, I often consider dumping GEICO just out of principle.
Perhaps they should skip all this insipid advertising, fire their ad agency, lower their rates and hire a spokesperson to just say that?

I mean, come on, who wants disembodied eyes following them around?
Here's my plan for killing them off. Put them in my driveway and I'll back over them until they're flattened out and blind.

Sack and hack in Hackensack

2009-04-03T15:08:00.002-04:00

Look at these characters at this jewelry store in Hackensack NJ
like Ducks in a row....

Kill the character, not the actual kid

2009-03-28T23:41:00.003-04:00

Crikey!
It would be absolutely wrong to want to kill an innocent little half-orphan girl, so I don't mean I want to kill the actual kid.
Who I want to kill is the croc hunting, snake licking, lizard loving nature character this kid happens to play.
I wasn't crazy about the kid's deddy, either. I have a strong olfactory sense and he seemed to me like he'd smell of stale B.O., reptile shit and dirty ass cheese.
And after his untimely death while fucking around with a deadly stingray, for the mother to shove this kid into his spot as a nature freak with a death wish, would it be so wrong to want to get a jump on things and just off the kid?
Well, not the kid, the character.
Yeah that's it, kill that character.
How? I'd go with a baby stingray's stinger.
Just like the deddy, only littler.

Kill Both These Characters, Then Kill the Phone

2009-03-26T11:57:00.002-04:00

Sure, Boost cell phone ads are the worst of their kind, but this one is the worst ad for any product in history.
The last line, where this hirsute cretin says he likes breast milk just made me want to puke it was so gross.
This makes ads for Shamwow, the Charmin Bears and those creepy GEICO eyeballs look like strokes of advertising genius.

No, no, no!

2009-03-24T22:39:00.001-04:00

What? A Pig Eating Ham?

This is just wrong on every level.
I don't care what they're selling, this is just obnoxious.

Shoot Down the Orbitz Hovercraft!

2009-03-16T23:26:00.003-04:00

In an age when Americans are resenting the Hell out of greedy corporate slimeballs getting obscene bonuses, hosting lavish getaways, paying for extraordinarily lavish office redecorating and purchasing mega million dollar corporate jets, why would anyone choose a travel booking company that boasts of having a hovercraft they use to deliver overage checks in lieu of stuffing them into envelopes and using 42 cent postage stamps?
Whatever agency dreamed up this campaign really screwed Orbitz.
I don't want to use a travel booking company that wastes money on lousy campaigns that boast of colossal corporate money squandering.
I thought that creepy little gnome was a bad ad campaign, but Orbitz can jam all its executives into that hovercraft and let my Kill This Character colleague Earthbound Misfit shoot it down with one of her trusty submachine guns.
Get 'em, Girl!

Even the Devil Can Hire a Pretty Spokeslut

2009-03-09T07:15:00.005-04:00

"Here's the good news about energy: ExxonMobil's profits for 2008 were well over forty billion dollars!"

If you have seen any of the news shows on any of the channels, then you'll recognize the Oil Slut.

The folks at "energy tomorrow dot org" have put up a spiffy web site and are pouring millions of dollars, with all of the abandon of a leaking supertanker, into a PR campaign whose main message is "drill everywhere."

What those putzim hope you never figure out is that petroleum is a commodity. When demand for oil spikes again, everyone in the oil business from the people pumping it out of the ground to the refiners will make a shitload of money and it doesn't matter where they are in the world. When you deal with commodities, even purely local action has an effect on the larger prices, which is what Wickard v. Filburn was about. If crude oil goes to $150 a barrel again, we all will be paying well over $4 for a gallon of gasoline again, and it won't matter at the pump whether the oil wells are in Oklahoma, the Gulf of Mexico, Russia or Saudi Arabia.

What the Oil Slut and the other the folks at "energy tomorrow" are fighting for is a larger share of that $150 and that is all. There is no patriotism driving their message, only greed.

Oil is a commodity that is sold on a world market. Once you understand that point, a point that the oil industry is spending millions of dollars to obscure, then you can understand that there is no difference between reducing our dependence on foreign oil and reducing our dependence on oil. Then you can understand why the words "alternative sources of energy" strike fear into the hearts of the Oil Slut and her employers.

Heart-stopping fear.

"My Experience, In This Type of Market..."

2009-03-02T21:30:00.006-05:00

"...is that you should put your money into Mason jars, bury them in the back yard, and shoot your fucking stockbroker in the head."

I cannot tell you how much I despise the "Edward Jones" brokerage ads, the one where the customer comes in at the crack of dawn and the broker says "in my experience, in this kind of market.."

Right. Unless the idiot sitting in that storefront office somewhere has been a stockbroker since 1932, he has no experience with a market that has dropped so much. The Dow Jones is down over 50% from its peak, a drop that has not been seen since 1932, though admitted the market has to drop a hell of a lot more to plumb those depths seen in `32.

No, they have no experience in this kind of market. They, like everyone else, are engaged in heavily whistling past the graveyard. For them to pretend otherwise is bordering on criminal fraud.

Bastards. All of them.