Kill This Character, Please!

SOPA Strike

2012-01-18T06:49:00.004-05:00

Strike Against SOPA & PIPA

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Open Your Mouths and Drown!

2012-01-05T21:44:00.002-05:00

This is the current stupid commercial that Comcast/Xfinity is now airing.

Sappy enough for the Lifetime Channel, only with guys who are too stupid to come out of the rain.

Yeah, you can get fast speed on Comcast. At five o'clock in the fucking morning. In the late afternoon and evening, forget about it, for you're using the cyber-equivalent of a telephone party line. The only people crying about Comcast are those who have seen how high their bill spiked once the promotional rates timed out, or those who are stuck with the recycled POS DVRs, cable boxes and cable modems that Comcast rests to their "customers".

There's no sound of thunder, so we can't hope that those two fools will be hit by lightning. Maybe they'll look up and drown, or catch pneumonia or be eaten by the DirectTV wolves.

Where Are the Men With the Butterfly Nets?

2011-11-23T08:52:00.000-05:00

The Insane Target Shopper Lady:

This character needs some serious professional help, as well as a lengthy stay in a locked ward. Do straight-jackets come in red?

Maybe this year, she'll get trampled when the doors open at midnight.

Drop the Arch on This Guy

2011-06-03T12:17:00.000-04:00

Keith Stone:

Yeah, some unshaven clown walking around with a case of beer on his shoulder is "smooth". Or he's a serious pervo who is trolling for underage boys willing to suck him off for beer.

Not only hit him with the keystone, but with the rest of the rocks in the arch.

Guess What, Lady? Your Bank Hates Your Guts.

2011-03-14T12:48:00.000-04:00

And those of your dog.

That guy was probably out the door ten seconds later while saying: "Gee, where has the time gone? I totally forgot that I have a dentist appointment for an emergency root canal."

This character (and her dog) ends up being shot to death by the SWAT cops after a bank robbery goes sideways.

So Shut Up and Freeze to Death, Already

2011-02-02T07:39:00.000-05:00

In its first segment this morning, Good Morning America asked: "What bugs you most about winter?"

My answer: Goddamn television reporters bleating about how rough winter is. Snow, ice, freezing rain, plows, sand, salt, yada yada yada.

This is the north, asswipes. It is wintertime. It is cold. It snows. It can get icy.

Deal with it and enough with the goddamn on-air kvetching. If you can't stomach winter weather, then move to some fetid shithole like Delray Beach, Phoenix or Guatemala and do your stand-ups from there.

Did You Know That You Can Kill Someone With a Sharpened #2 Pencil?

2010-12-31T19:21:00.001-05:00

And you probably should start with these guys:

A signature is about all that those German Sludge-o-Matics are worth.

Slag the Car Dealers

2010-12-29T10:11:00.000-05:00

I cannot tell you how sick I am of car dealers' commercials with some cheap-ass chorus wailing: "It's the Final Markdown!"

Toss those commercials, and the morons who dreamed them up, into a crusher.

Strangle This Loanshark With His Own Hair

2010-12-01T19:25:00.001-05:00

This guy is the spokescriminal for "Western Sky Financial," a loansharking operation.

Pure and simple, loan-sharking is what they do. Their interest rate varies from 140% to as high as 200%.

How bad is that, you ask? Say you borrow $2,500. If you had a decent interest on your credit cards and you got a cash advance for that much at 20% over 3 years, you'd pay back just under $93 a month and of what you paid back, you'd pay $845 in interest charges (I'm rounding off the change).

But if you go to Western Sky, that $2,500 loan at 200% will cost you a whopping $418 a month and you'll pay $12,559 in interest charges. Even if you get their lower rate of 140%, you'll still pay $297 a month and pay $8,201 in interest charges over three years.

It was actually cheaper to borrow money from the mob, they charged a lower interest rate than those clowns. And if you think these guys are bad, read up on the "payday loan" industry, which has effective annual interest rates well over a thousand percent.

These guys are the bottom feeders of the banksters. They should be crucified on the Tree of Woe.

2010-10-02T21:48:00.003-04:00

Take this Lousy Dog to the Pound.

Jay Bush, owner of Bush's Baked Bean Company, uses his dog Duke as a co-star on all his commercials.

The dog is no good.

He makes Jay Bush look like a gullible idiot because the mongrel is always trying to sell the secret family recipe to anyone who asks.

Dogs are supposed to be loyal and trustworthy, but Duke Bush is a spoiled, conniving mutt who probably sheds a lot. Plus, I'm certain he's full of stinky gas from eating all those beans.

Let's put an end to this now. Here's the secret recipe:

pork n' beans

high fructose corn syrup

flavor additives

chemical preservatives

salt, pepper and fat.

Now, someone please deliver Duke to the nearest pound.

Shake Weight For Men

2010-08-28T12:44:00.002-04:00

Gay Much?

I'd kill this character just for being stupid enough to appear in this soft porn ad for a battery operated tool that works the same muscles as the average circle jerk.
How would I kill him? Let's just say he'd be be shaking from the hips down all the way to the hospital.

I Want My DDT

2010-08-20T07:18:00.003-04:00

Because I would use it to kill the frakking Nasonex bee:

This bug, with its fake Antonio Banderas accent, grates every time that my senses are assaulted by it.

Let me ask this, though: Who comprises the target audience for this product campaign? Are there really that many idiots who are willing to take pharmacological advice from an insect?

Spray this bug with DDT and then step on it.

No Wonder "Twilight" is Like Soccer

2010-08-10T12:35:00.001-04:00

For it goes on for an interminable time, there is a lot of yelling and screaming and nobody ever scores.

Kill These "Characters"

2010-06-25T09:52:00.003-04:00

Now, of course I'm not suggesting anyone kill these actual people, I'm merely suggesting that the characters Jake and Vienna should be killed.
How?
Let's set the scene. It's twilight on a windswept California beach.
The smooching couple is huddled together under a cashmere throw, watching the approaching helicopter.
As the helicopter begins to land, sand whips up and abrades both their faces into livid red mush, blinding them in the process.
As they wretch in agony, the chopper's pilot and co-pilot wrangle them forcefully into the helicopter. Just as the chopper reaches the dividing line between the Crips and the Bloods territories in Compton, the couple are thrown from the helicopter while it's hovering a thousand feet in the air.
Yep.
Breaking up is hard to do.
(cue: On the Wings of Love)

Smash Those Toys

2010-04-14T19:47:00.002-04:00

I have seen variants of this annoying Kia Motors commercial for some months, now. I have yet to discern how a bunch of full-sized animate toys having fun has anything to do with why anyone would want to buy a Kia.

What is the point of this commercial? Why would I want to drive a car that a bunch of screwy toys drive?

So let's strap these damn toys to a cherry bomb and blast the annoying fuckers to Hell.

(And none of this touches the point that in the military, KIA is an acronym for "killed in action", not exactly the best marketing strategy.)

World's Most Obnoxious Man

2010-04-02T20:32:00.002-04:00

How would I kill this character? Easy! I'd bludgeon him with that blue phone until he was the same shade of blue.
Seriously, if Nationwide was my insurance carrier, I'd cancel it because of this douche bag.

Just. Fucking. Shoot. Me.

2010-02-19T09:19:00.006-05:00

I can't think of a more grating way to start the morning than to have a mini-infomercial assault one's eyes and ears while I am trying to get the morning forecast on the Weather Channel.

And if you thought that Billy Mays was grating, the jerkwads who are marketing some gizmo called a "shoedini" have hired Gilbert Gottfried as their pitchman. (I predicted as much.)

If you can take more than five seconds of that grating voice, you're a better person than I am. I hit the mute button on my remote as fast as I could and if that didn't work, I was going to get my shotgun.

If there is anyone (other than maybe al-Rushbo and the Blubbering Fascist) who should seriously consider gargling with battery acid, it is Gilbert Gottfried. They should have used him as a CIA questioner, they could have avoided having to torture anyone. Just having to hear that voice would have been enough to get anyone to talk--- "Please, please, effendi, I'll tell you what you want to know, just make that guy shut up."

Shoehorns on sticks are not a new idea. Anyone foolish enough to buy a shoedini should have to listen to Gilbert Gottfried at least ten hours a day.

The Baroness

2010-02-07T21:03:00.003-05:00

Imagine being a mother to 7 Austrian children that wear curtains and give puppet shows. Neither could the baroness von shrager.

she couldn't even play dodge ball. And anyone who gets dumped for a nun - well time to end her run as the baroness.

Luke Wilson?!

2010-02-06T15:29:00.003-05:00

I realize Luke Wilson is a real person and not a character in these ads per se, but I beg to differ. In these omnipresent AT&T ads, he plays the part of a doughy fat guy with horribly thin hair plastered to his head and the world's most hideous eyebrows.
He is not handsome, not even remotely sexy and he makes me glad I'm gay.
You know he's creepy when his creepy brother Owen Wilson is the more attractive brother.
How would I kill this character?
I'd stuff him full of cell phones until he explodes.

Yes, This is a Repeat. So Sue Me.

2010-02-05T21:01:00.006-05:00

I know that two of my co-bloggers here have dealt with these guys in posts 18 months ago.

I also know that by the rules that I established for this blog, we're only supposed to wish harm to the characters, not the people.

I know that.

But these guys are really pushing the envelope on being terminally annoying. Did you know that those fuckers have a website for their "free credit report band"? And did you realize that there are probably people on this planet, outside of those living in locked wards, who download the music from the commercials?

I didn't either, not until tonight.

So here is the deal for the free credit report dot com folks: When you run a commercial that shows those guys all of a sudden sporting red 0.45in. bindis, I'll come visit your web site. I might even subscribe to your service.

And if those .45 bindis just happen to be the manifestation of a sudden and terminal case of bullet wounds, well, that's show biz.

(H/T for the bindi reference)

Joe's Crab Shit

2010-01-18T10:20:00.003-05:00

First of all, little kids today are obnoxious and overly indulged enough as it is. To encourage them to say, "Oh shit!" at every opportunity is just plain wrong.
Besides, when I'm hungry and considering which restaurant to visit, just the thought of a table next to me with the whole family cussing throughout their meal is enough to automatically rule out Joe's Crab Shit.
Don't kill the characters in this ad, kill the nitwits who created it.
How?
Shark infested waters, of course.

I Was Wrong, Damn It

2010-01-01T11:07:00.003-05:00

I thought that we would have seen the last of the stupid New Years glasses.

I was wrong.

Boy, was I wrong.

Do NOT Kill This Character

2009-12-22T13:00:00.003-05:00

In the spirit of Christmas, here's a little someone I'd love to find under my tree.
Great ad, Charlize Theron.

Shred the Dress. And the Card.

2009-11-10T18:43:00.003-05:00

"Hey, Honey, we can't go on vacation because I blew all of our credit-card miles on this dress!"

This commercial is just ridiculous. First off, the credit card companies are busily slashing their customer base and their customers' credit lines. Second, you'll have to hunt a long way to find a straight guy who is going to be happy at the idea that, instead of being able to use the credit-card points to take a vacation, his wife used them to buy a very expensive dress. From his approving expression when she models the dress, he's probably a closeted drag queen and as soon as she goes off to work, he's going to try on that number.

Use the dress to polish your shoes. Shitcan this commercial.

Go Like a Pro- and Fucking Retire, Already

2009-10-30T06:41:00.003-04:00

I am so sick of this one:

So National Car Rental lets you choose which color of a fleet-purchased-GM-piece-of-shit you get to rent. Big Fucking Deal. That's why you should choose National, because you get to choose the color of the car you're going to rent? Do people even open the door to see if the inside smells of puke or check the trunk for bodies?

Retire this ad.

Top Queen

2009-10-18T21:33:00.003-04:00

What's Tiny and Macho?

Okay, okay, I admit I'm a little late to climb on the Top Gun fighter jet, but I'm just seeing Top Gun for the first time while waiting for Mad Men to come on AMC.
Was Tom Cruise kidding?
Can Navy fighter pilots actually be 19-years-old, 5'2" and gay?
It's hard to believe anyone actually bought this character and his weenie little voice, acting all butch n' stuff.
How would I kill this character?
I'd back the jet over him on the tarmac and squash him like the icky little bug he is.

Drown This Guy.

2009-10-18T10:35:00.004-04:00

Or have him eaten by a very large octopus. It's all the same to me.

(By the way, that's about a 60 gallon barrel. 60 gallons of water, which is what whiskey pretty much is, weighs about 500lbs, plus the weight of the barrel. I don't think some pasty-faced distiller's going to be walking up a beach with it over his shoulder.)

Hang Up On This Clown

2009-09-29T07:16:00.005-04:00

Stephen Colbert's "Atone Phone":

The Colbert Report has been doing this bit for the last three years. It was reasonably funny two years ago, but now, it has crossed over into total lameness. Ending the bit now would be a preemptive move, as next year, it will be so stale a gag that it totally sucks.

Disconnect this one.

Low Calories and It Doesn't Taste Like Battery Acid

2009-07-21T07:34:00.004-04:00

That seems to be the underlying pitch for Bud Light, that it has "drinkability", which seems to be beer-speak for "at least your throat won't swell shut if you drink our stuff."

Bud Light is to beer what Thunderbird is to wine. The only reasons to drink either one is because you need to get shitfaced, you don't have a lot of cash for accomplishing the task and you're too much of a pussy to just go the hard-core route and buy a plastic jug of cheap-ass vodka.

"Drinkability" is a self-selecting con; anyone stupid enough to believe that hype really should be drinking Bud Light.

Buick Enclave Ad

2009-07-12T11:34:00.004-04:00

1. There is nothing sexy or hip about a Buick Enclave.
2. Hiring a phony, pretentious "director" to film a car in a luxurious setting when the car is better suited to a supermarket parking lot is insulting to consumers.
3. The phony director saying he "needs Zen time with this model" is loathsome. Since when is Zen synonymous with fucking, which is the implied message?
4. Why does the phony director call himself the Robin Hood of whatever? What's that got to do with anything?
5. Why is Buick trying to sell this piece of crap to hipsters? If you were 30 and had a hot date, would he or she driving up in a car like this impress you, or would you immediately look in the back for the baby seat?

How to kill this character?
Gimme the keys, I'll run him over, then throw his gasping body into the deep end.

We Meant the Character, Not the Person

2009-06-28T13:52:00.005-04:00

Billy Mays, dead at age 50.

With our luck, they'll replace him with Gilbert Gottfried.

Steer a Tornado Right Over These Clowns

2009-06-10T06:54:00.002-04:00

Vortex 2 on the Weather Channel:

Tornado research is not a bad thing and the Vortex 2 Project is a lot larger than the Weather Channel's piece of it. But damn, can the people at the Weather Channel not talk about it 87 times each hour?

Melt This One Down For Scrap

2009-05-26T06:59:00.006-04:00

The various models of the Terminator:

The movies in the Terminator series have been on a long slide downhill and T-4, excuse me "Terminator Salvation" accelerates the descent. The first movie was a pretty good story. After that, each movie chipped away at having a coherent story, though T-2 was good with Linda Hamilton transitioning from terrified waitress in T-1 to guerrilla master in T-2.

T-3 had long extended action sequences that were reminiscent of a Warner Brothers cartoon, including an extremely ridiculous chase sequence in which the bad terminator, driving a large crane, chased the good terminator and John Connor. T-4 substitutes the long chase scenes of T-3 with a lot of loud explosions and sets that make the movie Sin City look real by comparison. Like every movie in the series since T-2, this one has a "good" terminator, though this one, for reasons best left unexplained (if you still want to see this steaming pile of dreck), comes to fight on the side of humanity on its own.

Script pitch: Year 2018. Good terminator helps John Connor save the young man who will become his father. The two blow up Skynet's base in San Francisco. Good terminator sacrifices himself to save Connor. Fade to credits.

The Terminator series needs to end, now. The next person to pitch a T-5 concept should be flogged with barbed wire.

Collect up all of the Terminator models and melt them down.

(We'll be dealing with the real thing by the end of this century, anyway.)

Quizzno's Gay Sandwich

2009-05-10T22:35:00.005-04:00

When You Hear a Male Voice Say, "Put It In Me, Scott..."

Hey, I'm all for queerie stuff on TV, but come on, a phallic sandwich and a talking male toaster oven asking a male to stick it in?
Who exactly are they trying to sell this sandwich to, Log Cabin Republicans?
As a self respecting lesbian, I might enjoy a sandwich like the new Quizzno's Torpedo, but do I really want to be thinking about some guy asking another guy to stick it in while I've got my mouth wrapped around it?
What's next, a Taco Bell ad with a female talking piece of foil asking some woman to "Lick my delicious taco?"
Well?

He's back

2009-05-09T15:42:00.000-04:00

enough said

more flags, more fun, more puke

Cuban GYN/Car Salesman? WTF?

2009-05-07T23:20:00.003-04:00

There should be some sort of qualifier before just anyone can cut a TV ad.
This guy shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a vagina or a Volkswagen, a hymen or a Hyundai, a labia or a Lexus, a pussy or a Prius, or a cooter or a Cougar.

How would I kill this character? I'd run him over in a Volkswagen, then a Hyundai, then a Lexus, then a Prius, then finish him off with a Cougar.

Twilight, Moonlight, Whatever.

2009-05-05T14:07:00.006-04:00

Vampires. Zombies. Werewolves. Whatever.

Kill them all.

Let Lucifer sort them out.

(Thanks to CrankyProf for reminding me how much vampires and zombies annoy the shit out of me)

FGetch a large scrub brush and a bucket of lard.

2009-05-05T13:30:00.002-04:00

Robert Pattison is the greasy, whiny, emo douche who plays a greasy, whiny emo douche vampire that sparkles in "Twilight."

As far as I can tell, his only real talent as an actor is that he repels soap and makes little tweener girls squee at ear-shattering pitches.

Can we 86 the sparkly vampire and relegate this guy to third-line fry cook at Bob's House of Vinegar and Water?

WTF?

2009-04-29T23:31:00.004-04:00

Where, oh where do I start?
First, the King himself is pure therapy fodder for any kiddies who watch his shiny, pedophiley face and gigantic noggin perched upon his normal adult male body, which incidentally is wearing a freakin' skirt, bobby socks and pointy Mary Janes.
But with burger joints like BK to blame for kazillions of obese children, are square butts really something they should be shooting for?
Didja ever see a woman with a square butt? Was she skinny?
No, she was not.
Butts are not square by nature. It takes a lotta lard to get a butt to turn square, unless you're a yellow kitchen sponge, and they don't exist, much less eat burgers.
And besides, this ad featuring square butts shows rectangular butts, not square butts.
It would be like Sesame Street characters singing 'The Circle Game' while playing with ovals.
And what's with calling them butts?
When I was little, butt was a bad word. I guess now a three-year-old tells his pediatrician he doesn't want a shot in his butt?

So let's review:

The King is creepy enough.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's original song, "I Like Big Butts" refers to a sexual preference, and should toddlers start preferring certain types of body parts at that age?
Sponge Bob Squarepants is almost as creepy as The King.
Square butts are nothing to shoot for.
Rectangles are not squares.
'Butt' is too mature a word for toddlers to be throwing around.

How would I kill this character?
With telephone book-piercing ammunition and a couple of blasts to the butt.

Soldiers! Destroy That Nose!

2009-04-22T09:01:00.002-04:00

If you watch the news, you've probably seen the Omnaris ad with the legion of itty biddy soldiers who muscle up a nose spray to some woman suffering from allergies or congestion or a lack of cocaine.

This is the ad:

The really stupid thing about this ad is its obvious use of imagery from the movie Patton.

Reaching back to a movie that is nearly thirty years old would seem to be to be an advertising strategy that is insane beyond belief: "Hey, let's target our advertising for our new allergy drug to people who are old enough to join AARP." At this time of year, lots of people suffer from allergies, not just people who use glucosamine pills to lubricate their joints.

May the allergy sufferer sneeze and blow all of those little bastards to Hell.

The GEICO Eyes

2009-04-04T03:19:00.003-04:00

I'm almost ashamed I have GEICO car insurance.
I don't mind their little British gecko, but between the cavemen and this ad, I often consider dumping GEICO just out of principle.
Perhaps they should skip all this insipid advertising, fire their ad agency, lower their rates and hire a spokesperson to just say that?

I mean, come on, who wants disembodied eyes following them around?
Here's my plan for killing them off. Put them in my driveway and I'll back over them until they're flattened out and blind.

Sack and hack in Hackensack

2009-04-03T15:08:00.002-04:00

Look at these characters at this jewelry store in Hackensack NJ
like Ducks in a row....

Kill the character, not the actual kid

2009-03-28T23:41:00.003-04:00

Crikey!
It would be absolutely wrong to want to kill an innocent little half-orphan girl, so I don't mean I want to kill the actual kid.
Who I want to kill is the croc hunting, snake licking, lizard loving nature character this kid happens to play.
I wasn't crazy about the kid's deddy, either. I have a strong olfactory sense and he seemed to me like he'd smell of stale B.O., reptile shit and dirty ass cheese.
And after his untimely death while fucking around with a deadly stingray, for the mother to shove this kid into his spot as a nature freak with a death wish, would it be so wrong to want to get a jump on things and just off the kid?
Well, not the kid, the character.
Yeah that's it, kill that character.
How? I'd go with a baby stingray's stinger.
Just like the deddy, only littler.

Kill Both These Characters, Then Kill the Phone

2009-03-26T11:57:00.002-04:00

Sure, Boost cell phone ads are the worst of their kind, but this one is the worst ad for any product in history.
The last line, where this hirsute cretin says he likes breast milk just made me want to puke it was so gross.
This makes ads for Shamwow, the Charmin Bears and those creepy GEICO eyeballs look like strokes of advertising genius.

No, no, no!

2009-03-24T22:39:00.001-04:00

What? A Pig Eating Ham?

This is just wrong on every level.
I don't care what they're selling, this is just obnoxious.

Shoot Down the Orbitz Hovercraft!

2009-03-16T23:26:00.003-04:00

In an age when Americans are resenting the Hell out of greedy corporate slimeballs getting obscene bonuses, hosting lavish getaways, paying for extraordinarily lavish office redecorating and purchasing mega million dollar corporate jets, why would anyone choose a travel booking company that boasts of having a hovercraft they use to deliver overage checks in lieu of stuffing them into envelopes and using 42 cent postage stamps?
Whatever agency dreamed up this campaign really screwed Orbitz.
I don't want to use a travel booking company that wastes money on lousy campaigns that boast of colossal corporate money squandering.
I thought that creepy little gnome was a bad ad campaign, but Orbitz can jam all its executives into that hovercraft and let my Kill This Character colleague Earthbound Misfit shoot it down with one of her trusty submachine guns.
Get 'em, Girl!

Even the Devil Can Hire a Pretty Spokeslut

2009-03-09T07:15:00.005-04:00

"Here's the good news about energy: ExxonMobil's profits for 2008 were well over forty billion dollars!"

If you have seen any of the news shows on any of the channels, then you'll recognize the Oil Slut.

The folks at "energy tomorrow dot org" have put up a spiffy web site and are pouring millions of dollars, with all of the abandon of a leaking supertanker, into a PR campaign whose main message is "drill everywhere."

What those putzim hope you never figure out is that petroleum is a commodity. When demand for oil spikes again, everyone in the oil business from the people pumping it out of the ground to the refiners will make a shitload of money and it doesn't matter where they are in the world. When you deal with commodities, even purely local action has an effect on the larger prices, which is what Wickard v. Filburn was about. If crude oil goes to $150 a barrel again, we all will be paying well over $4 for a gallon of gasoline again, and it won't matter at the pump whether the oil wells are in Oklahoma, the Gulf of Mexico, Russia or Saudi Arabia.

What the Oil Slut and the other the folks at "energy tomorrow" are fighting for is a larger share of that $150 and that is all. There is no patriotism driving their message, only greed.

Oil is a commodity that is sold on a world market. Once you understand that point, a point that the oil industry is spending millions of dollars to obscure, then you can understand that there is no difference between reducing our dependence on foreign oil and reducing our dependence on oil. Then you can understand why the words "alternative sources of energy" strike fear into the hearts of the Oil Slut and her employers.

Heart-stopping fear.

"My Experience, In This Type of Market..."

2009-03-02T21:30:00.006-05:00

"...is that you should put your money into Mason jars, bury them in the back yard, and shoot your fucking stockbroker in the head."

I cannot tell you how much I despise the "Edward Jones" brokerage ads, the one where the customer comes in at the crack of dawn and the broker says "in my experience, in this kind of market.."

Right. Unless the idiot sitting in that storefront office somewhere has been a stockbroker since 1932, he has no experience with a market that has dropped so much. The Dow Jones is down over 50% from its peak, a drop that has not been seen since 1932, though admitted the market has to drop a hell of a lot more to plumb those depths seen in `32.

No, they have no experience in this kind of market. They, like everyone else, are engaged in heavily whistling past the graveyard. For them to pretend otherwise is bordering on criminal fraud.

Bastards. All of them.

If There Is Anyone Who Deserves to Burn In Hell...

2009-02-22T18:56:00.003-05:00

... it would be the clown who invented "clamshell" packaging.

Maybe when they finally get around to inventing a phaser rifle, we'll be able to open these goddamn things without the risk of injury. Until then, about the only way to open one of these buggers is to put on a pair of heavy leather (or kevlar) gloves and then attacking the clamshell with a pair of large scissors.

The people who invented it should be condemned to an eternity in Hell, having to open clamshell packages with only a small pair of dull scissors.

If You Meet Any Women Stupid Enough to Gush Over Such a Crappy Gift, Please Kill Them

2009-02-12T21:36:00.003-05:00

Trifecta: Orange, Annoying and Antisocial

2009-02-11T07:23:00.005-05:00

Chester, the Cheetos tiger.

it's the only snack food that openly promotes sabotaging people.

Yes, some of them are annoying, and most have it coming to them.

But really. Isn't there something really wrong with this? Chester should be...

Ah, who the fuck am I kidding? Chester should be given a medal or something. Most of the people who were sabotaged in the Cheetos commercials deserved to be stood in front of a wall and shot.

Go get them, Chester.

(By the way, can you buy Cheetos in Northern Ireland? I'll bet not.)

Sales Propaganda For Clueless Hets

2009-02-05T06:52:00.003-05:00

"He went to Jared!"
In this economy, nothing says "I love you" like giving the woman you love an overpriced piece of jewelry that you could have purchased for a third of the price from a pawn shop, just because you saw some stupid commercials.

Seriously, guys. There's more to jewelry than a high price tag and "man, is that ever shiny." You might as well buy a car because its color matches your favorite shirt. She may have some preferences in that matter, so if you are so out of ideas that you have to go to Shiny McMarkup, make sure she can return it and keep the receipt.

Annoying Comes in Small Sizes

2009-01-25T22:12:00.003-05:00

I cannot begin to tell you how annoying it is to see the commercial about how an accountant discovered a million-dollar error because he had eaten Frosted Mini-Wheats for breakfast; the little sentient speck of cereal takes the credit for that and then the little demonic monster answers the guy's phone.

Let's gloss over the fact that a pipsqueak that size who tried to talk would be emitting sound waves up in the dog-whistle range. One of my basic rules is that I do not want to have conversations with my food. Even more disturbing, the little critter seems happy at the idea that he is palling around with a guy who just ate a heaping bowl of his relatives.

The clowns who dreamed up this commercial need some serious professional help.

Throw this little fuck outside for the birds to eat.

It's Like the Internet. Only Slower.

2009-01-11T18:45:00.006-05:00

Mark Goldston, CEO of NetZero, a vulture and, in the words of Dickipedia, a dick.

NetZero, in case you have forgotten, is a supplier of dial-up Internet service. Goldston's pitch is that the 56 million households in the U.S could save billions of dollars a year by ditching broadband and going back to dial-up.

That compares to the amount of money that people will save if they put on really heavy clothes, heat their homes with wood fires and draw water from a hand-dug well in their back yards.

More and more websites are video and image heavy. If you try to view those with dial-up, you have to click on the link to the website and then go pour yourself a drink while the web page loads. If you want to watch any video on YouTube or anywhere else, you'll have to get a video downloader (like UltraGet) and then a video player like FLV Player. You paste the video URL into the window in UltraGet and then go have a snack while the video slowly downloads.

Remember, you've got a 56Kb/s modem, maybe. If, for example, you want to download the "Mom's Day William Tell" video:

that's about 7,750Kb. At the fastest possible speed, that's a bit over seven minutes. Most 56K modems tend to connect a tad bit slower, so you may have time to cook dinner while that one video is downloading.

The "Rick Roll" video is 8.3Mb, which will take you nearly 8 minutes to download. The "Passport to Pluto" documentary that I mentioned over at my home blog will take over 37 minutes to download.

Those numbers assume that you do not try to open another browser window while the download is going on. They assume that your youngest kid doesn't pick up an extension and start whistling into it.

Oh and while all that is going on, your phone line is tied up (and you presumably still have wired phone service).

Want to work from home and telecommute into the office by a remote link? Do research online for a project? Not with dialup.

Goldston's ad campaign is an attempt to use a bad economy as a means to rescue a dying method of connectivity. If anything, it is vulturism at its worst.

Hang this bastard high with a modem cord.

Ooziness

2009-01-08T08:19:00.002-05:00

Bye Bye Ooziness

OK - I don't wear dentures so I don't know about ooziness. But I know that I wouldn't buy a product advertised by these people talking about mouth ooziness - with a name of Sea Bond - sounds like you are eating the ocean.

PS - I hope Mr. Yuckiness got paid a lot to make an ass of himself.

The End of the "New Year's Glasses"

2009-01-01T14:17:00.003-05:00

Thankfully, 2009 was the last New Year's where these stupid glasses with two zeros on either side of the nosebridge can be worn.

So AMF to one of the ugliest items of wearable celebratory kitsch ever mass-produced. They won't be back for 990 years, which probably is not long enough.

Shamwow

2009-01-01T05:07:00.001-05:00

I'd like to sop this guy up with a Shamwow and wring him out in the nearest toilet.

To All Those Telemarketers Calling Me With "An Important Message About My Vehicle Warranty"

2008-12-31T11:52:00.001-05:00

Go blow yourselves.

That is all.

Kill All of These "Big Pharma" Spokesicons

2008-12-28T17:45:00.005-05:00

No, I am not going to have the "detrol discussion" with anyone.

Nor am I going to discuss fiber neuralgia or cholesterol levels or hypertension or any of that. I'm not going to change my vitamins, either. If I have a medical problem, I can go talk to my doctor without the prompting of a bloody ad on the idjit box.

Once, just once I would like to be able to watch the evening news without feeling as though I have been bombarded with a capsule reading of the Physician's Desk Reference, as given by the spokesvermin from Big Pharma. Of course, all of those ads are aimed at folks over fifty, as people much under 50 are not watching the evening news, which is why you don't see ads for snowboards.

I am sick of these fucking ads, which means that I can take the one thing that can be prescribed for it: Turning off the TV set. And before you suggest PBS's "News Hour," don't forget all all of the ~~ads~~ sponsor's acknowledgments at the beginning of each show.

Kill the icons before they kill us.

A-A-A-Annoying

2008-12-24T22:45:00.001-05:00

ch-ch-ch-ia ANYTHING

Weatherdude, a Mr. Charles Darwin is Calling on Line 2

2008-12-17T06:44:00.005-05:00

The ~~brave~~ stupid weathermen who stand outside in a hurricane to show you that "damn, the wind is blowing hard!"

This happens every year. The worst offenders are the pack of lunatics on the Weather Channel. It is probably inevitable that during a hurricane, a piece of flying debris will waste one of those morons. Or maybe they'll be standing in a large puddle ("look how deep the water is here") when a power line comes down and fries the reporter.

Reporters used to have more sense. They'd set up a camera so they could get shots of trees whipping around or street signs blowing around and then the weatherman, who was safe in a nice warm and dry studio, would supply the narration.

But no, that is not good enough anymore. Now the idiots have to stand outside in the wind and rain to show that it is rainy and windy. They are living proof to the proposition that being on television makes one stupid.

Sadly, it probably will take one or more of these idiots getting his (or her) fool self seriously injured or killed in order to restore a touch of sanity to these lens-happy jackoffs. If there is an afterlife, it would only be fitting that Alfred Wallace and Charles Darwin would greet them with a hard dope-slap.

UPDATE: It took about two hours for someone at the Weather Channel to find this post.

Tim, You're Not Funny

2008-11-29T18:00:00.002-05:00

HBO's cartoon series, "The Life and Times of Tim" is just not funny, nor is it drawn well. And that Ray Romano voice is played out.
Tim, the title character plays a hapless, 20-something office guy in NYC. With a formula that hackneyed, how hard would it be to make it funny?
Well, it must be damned hard because it's just not at all a funny show. It's not even chuckle worthy.
You could follow around virtually ANY 20-something guy in an office and he'd do the same kind of goofy stuff. So?
Come on, HBO. You gave us "Six Feet Under," "Entourage" and "True Blood." Is this all you got cartoon-wise?
Feh. Kill Tim.

The Upside of Global Warming

2008-11-26T06:49:00.006-05:00

-- no more commercials like this:

The snow is coming down,

On this old New England town,

And it's been snowing all day long.

I wrote this sappy Winter song,

`Coz you're a jerk.

This song became "nails on a chalkboard" by the third time I saw the commercial. I have nothing against L.L. Bean, they don't make a lot of stuff in my size, but I sent them a jacket I had for 20 years to see if they'd fix it. The jacket had missing buttons and was fraying and they fixed it for no charge.

But that song! The people responsible for that ad should be beaten to death by El Kabong.

Very Large Eraser Wanted. Apply Within.

2008-11-09T14:30:00.004-05:00

Talk to Chuck, if you can avoid vomiting.

This is from one of the "rotoscope" ads that Charles Schwab is using in their "talk to Chuck" television advertising campaign, probably so the actors in the ads can deny shilling for a stock brokerage firm.

"Give us your retirement money, watch it shrink before your eyes."

I do not know what rotoscoping is supposed to do for Schwab in this ads. Come to think of it, though, getting financial advice from a `toon is probably no more insane than getting it from a stockbroker.

Erase these fuckers.

Painfully Annoying

2008-10-27T17:06:00.003-04:00

Max Payne

This is the best that Hollywood can do, now? They have run out of comic book characters, so now they have to start taking their characters from video games?

I was going to say something snarky about maybe they'll make a movie about Pac-Man, but oh, wait, they are. I guess "Tetris, the Movie" or "Pong- the Move" or "Galaxan" or "Missile Command" are not far behind. Surely "Grand Theft Auto" has been greenlighted.

No, I did not see "Doom." I like Dwane Johnson, other than the fact that he seems to be a Republican, that is, but I think movies based on video games are bottom feeders, only higher up the food chain than movies based on commercials.

Control-Alt-Delete this one.

Well, Well, Well

2008-10-09T09:12:00.002-04:00

Someone ran this search on the Google:

welcome to insanity say goodbye reality

And this blog was #2 on the list.

We point out insanity, my friend.

This is the political silly season, so it is probably the time where making fun of fictional characters takes a back seat to making fun of real characters on all of our other blogs.

Revenge of the Stuffy; Part 2

2008-09-26T17:08:00.003-04:00

(Original post here.)

The stuffy old dudes in the "bankers' pen" have had their revenge: WaMu is dead and gone.

"Free checking for life." Just not your life.

Garrotte These Clowns

2008-09-26T07:13:00.003-04:00

From the movie "Choke," which is being released today:

The ads for this movie (at least on basic cable) have been both pervasive and stupid. If I see too many more of them, I am going to have an urge to track down the director and choke him.

Anybody have an address for Alan Smithee?

Kill Them All

2008-09-22T09:41:00.002-04:00

Eeuuwww. What can you say about a homoerotic ad where none of the guys are even slightly erotic?
These actors just looks nasty to me.
And the whole concept of having two strangers blowing bubbles in some naked guy's hotel tub is just creepy in general.
Besides, who sits in a tub in a hotel? I stand on a towel just to shower in one of those germ factories.

What Brand of Poison Do You Wish, Mr. Gecko?

2008-09-21T19:02:00.003-04:00

The "Greed is Good" douchebags.

These guys have brought our economy to the brink of ruin. They should only burn in the deepest, innermost and hottest circle of Hell.

The Revenge of the Stuffy

2008-09-15T11:33:00.004-04:00

The "WaMu" Guy.
Washington Mutual pushed the envelope as hard as they could on their financial products and services.

If WaMu's brass had run their bank the way that the stuffy old bankers in their "bankers' pen" used to, WaMu might not be as large a bank as they are now, but WaMu also would not be flirting with insolvency. WaMu was heavily into a type of mortgages called "option ARMs" and those mortgages are defaulting in huge numbers.

One might even argue that the reason why WaMu isn't splashed across the front pages today is because Lehman Brothers has failed, Merrill Lynch is being sold at a near fire sale price, and AIG Insurance is teetering on the edge of collapse. The market is hammering WaMu's stock nonetheless, there just isn't the publicity about it right now.

The stuffy old guys were right. They should throw the smart-ass punk into the lion's pen.

Kill. Nuclear Weapons are Authorized.

2008-09-10T22:35:00.004-04:00

Pissing Calvin:

This character should be folded, mutilated, spindled, erased, shot, stabbed, strangled, poisoned and hit with a phaser set to "deep fat fry." Not only is this character offensive in its own right, it is blasphemous. Anyone who remembers the day-to-day genius of Bill Watterson's masterful comic strip ought to be deeply offended by every mouth-breather of a moron who has a "pissing Calvin" on his truck.

In a just world, it should be legal to throw a brick through the window of every vehicle that has a "pissing Calvin" on a window. If no bricks are handy, Molotov Cocktails should be permitted as viable alternatives.

Now this, this is genius at work:

I Can Smile Without You

2008-09-10T21:29:00.001-04:00

Over-rated

and bad hair on top of that

If it smells like

2008-09-10T07:22:00.002-04:00

This character doesnt need to be eliminated

This is just a reminder to show what our esteemed Vice Presidential candidate on the republican side is

... she is a stinking, smelly skunk.

Baby Back Barbecue Annoying

2008-09-08T11:07:00.002-04:00

We borrowed "The Muppet Show" on dvd, and i really forgot how utterly annoying Miss Piggy was/is.

Between the violence and the jealousy and the threats, I found my sense of nostalgia overwhelmed with irritation.

And now I'm hungry for bacon.

(Plus, Miss Piggy and Britney Spears are suspiciously similar, Has anyone ever seen them together?)

Can We Buy a Hunting License For This Critter?

2008-09-06T07:47:00.007-04:00

The AARP "Divided We Fail" critter

Let's get down to the truth of this matter: AARP is a lobbying group that was first formed in order to market shit for Colonial Penn Insurance. When the Clinton Administration tried to do something about health insurance, AARP led the charge to defeat their proposals. When the Bush Administration proposed the "Medicaid Part D" bit to pay oodles of money to insurance companies in exchange for piss-poor coverage of the pharmaceutical needs of senior citizens, a shitload of seniors recognized that it was a fuckover of both them and the Treasury and opposed it. AARP, however, was true to its main purpose of promoting the interests of insurance companies and was all for it.

The "Divided We Fail" campaign means that there is some way that the greedy bastards running AARP see a way to further enrich insurance companies. For it is clearly obvious by now that they don't give a flying fuck about the senior citizens in this country.

Fuck AARP. Shoot this critter and feed its rotting flesh to Tom DeLay.

You say hello, but I say Goodbye

2008-09-05T07:35:00.004-04:00

I love animals. I hate Japanese cartoon characters pretending they are cute animals.

especially ones that have one purpose - to take your money

Recycle This Car

2008-09-03T07:10:00.002-04:00

Max, the talking VW, star of the latest VW ad campaign:
People who think that cars talk to them are either thoroughly nuts or are TV producers. I can't think of anybody who would go down to an auto showroom because a talking car told them to do so (and if I were a VW salesvermin, I'd be packing heat).

Drop this character into the crusher.

Need Directions to the Glue Factory

2008-09-01T19:40:00.002-04:00

Two things in one, all right.

Part man and part horse's ass. And I'm not certain that the horse part is male.

This critter needs to go to the slaughterhouse.

Bye Bye Miss American Pie

2008-08-30T06:00:00.003-04:00

drove my chevy to the levy
but the levy was dry
and good old boys were drinking whiskey and rye
singing this'll be the day that they die

(the characters that is)

WORST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION

Squish. Squish. Squish.

2008-08-29T20:47:00.004-04:00

The symbolic stand-ins for bladder control problems.

So, let me get this straight. If you have to go a lot, your bladder is as inflexible as copper pipes.

But if it is too flexible, it can leak like a water balloon

These stupid stand-ins for medical conditions are nothing short of insulting. The water balloons should be squished and the copper pipe critters recycled into bullets, which should then be used on the morons who signed off on these concepts.

Arrr. Walk the Plank!

2008-08-28T07:14:00.004-04:00

Captain Morgan
The commercials for Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum could only be more misogynistic if they showed a guy drinking the stuff and beating his girlfriend with a chain. They market it by having promotional teams of young women, the "Captain Morgan Girls," visit bars and pose with guys who, the last time they tried to get that close to an attractive woman, got served with restraining orders.

This booze is named after a vicious pirate/privateer admiral who once ordered his forces to storm a Spanish fort by using priests and nuns as human shields. There seems to be some moronic trend for naming rums after bloodthirsty pirates. Maybe this trend can be broadened; one can only assume that, in a few hundred years after most of the notoriety wears off, people will be eating at the Jeffrey Dahmer Steakhouse.

(OK, there is an Alferd Packer Grill, at the University of Colorado [motto: Have a Friend for Lunch], but given the level of college food 40 years ago, the name was more of a commentary on cafeteria food than anything else.)

Keelhaul this character under a ship infested with barnacles.

Scientifically irritating.

2008-08-27T10:56:00.002-04:00

Oh, how this character rankles me.

A stripper-turned-scientist who manages to get over-involved or fuck up each case she touches. A CSI who still dresses as if she's working the pole at the Spearmint Rhino. (Bet those spiked heels do a number on TYVEK...) A manager who flirts/tries to get into the pants of her subordinates.

Plus...oh, the black hole of charisma and chemistry. Hell, when her real-life husband (Alan Rosenburg -- another post) appeared on screen with her, there was no zing.

please. Someone toss Catherine Willows to the carpet beetles.

Beans for Brains

2008-08-27T06:35:00.000-04:00

Duke, the "Bush's Beans dog" and his idiot owner:

I don't give a fuck about the "secret family recipe," which undoubtedly includes bacon fat, salt, high fructose corn syrup, Red Dye No. something, and the occasional illegal worker who accidentally fell into one of the vats. The idea that people will pick up a can of beans from the shelves of supermarkets because some talking dog is willing to sell the recipe speaks more to the gullibility of the American consumer than the the quality of the product. H.L. Mencken was spot-on when he said: "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."

The pitchman needs to go back to doing something more productive, such as developing a killer meth habit.

Retire the dog.

Oh, and if you need another reason why never to crack open a can of that swill, this ought to do it for you:

Oh it was sad when the great ship went down

2008-08-26T13:50:00.002-04:00

and didnt take her.

Smash. Smash!

2008-08-25T20:05:00.006-04:00

The Incredible Hulk

For this post, Hulk is a stand-in for CGI animation in general. I hate watching CGI characters fight on the screen. There is no drama, no story, just the output of a bunch of computer geeks who should have "`Can` is Not the Same as `Should`" tattooed on their foreheads. CGI is becoming more and more the province of lazy movie-making: "More CGI! More gun fights! More car chases!"

(An all-CGI movie is a cartoon, those do not count.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you have a killer CGI team. Big fucking whoop. Reliance on CGI is just pitiful. You need only watch the first Star Wars movie (before Lucas fucked it up in `97) and compare it to any of the last three to see that. CGI is how Lucas was able to wring three movies out of this premise:

"Anakin Skywalker grows up, becomes a Jedi knight, schtups Princess Padamane and knoocks her up with twins, turns to the dark side with the assistance of Dick Cheney, slaughters all but two of the other Jedi knights, is horribly wounded by Obi Wan, and has to put on the black suit. The end."

Just as in every movie since Bullitt, a long car chase is a sign of "we haven't got much of a story, so we're going to drag it out" (think Ronin or Bourne Supremacy), a lot of CGI is a pretty good indication that there is going to be no there, there in the movie. CGI is the movie equivalent of "hamburger helper" or sawdust.

There ought to be a tax on the use of CGI. Or the directors need to be beaten with chains. Frankly, either solution is fine with me.

Like Buttuh

2008-08-24T21:56:00.001-04:00

Baruch atoh adonai elohaynu melech haolem, adonai echod

Baruch atah guillotine lastreisand echaracter

Waste This Federal Douchebag

2008-08-22T17:58:00.006-04:00

Fox Mulder.

Even though the FBI at times seems to be unable to conduct an investigation of a one-car crash (even when the driver blew .35 on a Breathalyzer), it's hard to conceive of even the Feebies being goofy enough to put up with this delusional douchebag.

Let's skip past the tragedy that undoubtedly some moron named his or her son after this clown. It's probably a good thing that this show came about before a lot of the basic cable channels began offering original dramas. Otherwise, this waste of carbon might have been named "Lifetime Mulder."

This character isn't just wearing a tinfoil hat, he wears tinfoil underwear. In a world where our own government can't competently run a two-car parade, in order to buy the crap handed out as a premise by the X-Files, you have to buy into the notion of an overarching conspiracy at something (when they were not dealing with alien abductions or other similarly loony concepts.)

Why Dana Scully didn't (a) request a new partner; or (b) just shoot this goofball in the head is beyond me. You have to suspect that she had really screwed the pooch in an earlier post to be saddled with this guy. Even being assigned to the FBI sub-sub-field office in North Dakota had to be better than being assigned to follow this drooling idiot around the country.

Fox needs to be locked in a car in summer and then die because Scully can't find the keys to let him out.

Valley of the Dolls

2008-08-22T05:18:00.001-04:00

please please please

bring back cabbage patch! get rid of these

At the shore

2008-08-21T12:47:00.002-04:00

this guy may be worse than Carrot Top

maybe worse, or just as worse - in every movie he was in (Son In Law, Encino Man)

Carrot Top in AT&T ads

2008-08-21T11:58:00.003-04:00

Not that I'm competitive with my fellow Kill This Character posters, but I think I may have won the grand prize for picking the most loathsome character ever listed here.
Setting aside my personal aversion to redheads, this particular redhead is so creepy I bet even his pets lift their legs on him, that is, if they don't run away.
He's not funny.
He's not clever.
He wears eyeliner.
He's annoying.
He's obnoxious.
Did I mention he wears eyeliner?

Shrink, I Wanna Kill. Kill! Kill!

2008-08-21T05:38:00.003-04:00

Clippy.
Clippy is fully annoying in its own right. That paperclip should be folded, spindled, mutilated and thrown into the recycle bin.

In this instance, I am using that critter as a stand-in for the evil fucks at Redmond, WA, home of MicroSoft, aka MickeySpooge, aka the Root of All Evil.

So there I was, getting ready to shut down. I was reading one last web page, no other apps were open. I turned my head to pet a cat when, out of the corner of my eye, I spied the Blue Screen of Death, which flashed and then my computer rebooted itself. Then it had to check the disk for inconsistency, in case one of the platters had turned into tapioca.

I hate Microsoft. Hate, hate, hate. I hate their bloatware and their vaporware. I'd hate their souls, if they had any, which I seriously doubt. The only thing I love about Microsoft is that every time one of those pompous fucks leaves the computer world and tries to do anything else, they take a serious financial beating. In the world of computing, Microsoft is a cross between Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il and George W. Bush. There is nothing to like about them and each OS they develop seems to be suckier than the one preceding it (except for Bob and Windows-ME, which achieved rarified levels of suckiness only reached by Heckuvajob Brownie and Herbert Hoover).

About the only thing worse than Microsoft are the Apple-bots, which are almost as annoying as your local door-to-door evangelists. Everything is "proprietary" with those clowns, meaning "you're going to pay 50% more." Apple's greed and maniacal desire to control everything is the reason why the PC whipped Apple's ass in the 1980s, allowing PCs to gain a death grip on the American workplace. Not knowing how to run a PC means you might as well be bragging about how well you can use a slide rule, so even if Apple products are "better," for most of the business world, Apples are about as useful as Strom Thurmond.

Anyway, I'm seriously considering going back to writing cuneiform on mud tablets. It can't be any more of a pain in the ass than dealing with software from Microsoft.

Borrriiinngggggg

2008-08-20T05:18:00.002-04:00

The three most boring characters in TV history
Kill them all, poison the water supply

Keep the dog

That's the POWER of MIGHTY ANNOYING; Part 2

2008-08-19T15:17:00.003-04:00

Yes, Billy Mays is annoying.

BUT WAIT!! THERE'S MORE!!

Even Billy Mays thinks that Billy Mays is annoying.

That's the power of mighty annoying, all right, when a pitchman can't even stand his own stuff.

At Last! A Woman for Most Guys!

2008-08-19T06:12:00.004-04:00

The Svedka vodka fembot:
This creation is a large step up from the "Oral Annie" blow-up dolls sold in seedy sex shops off of Times Square in the pre-Disney era. I'm not at all surprised that a lot of men would be enamored with a feminine-looking robot who is programmed to overlook all of their repulsive and disgusting characteristics. When there is a guy whose idea of a smooth pick-up line is "damn, you gots all your teeth! Let's go make babies" (no shit on this one), you know that's one guy who if he's going to ever get laid in his life, it will be with a sheep, his right hand or a robot.

The last thing we need are sex robot..... wait, scratch that. If the really dumb ones gravitate towards having sex with robots, that can only improve the species. It'll be like a mass Darwin Award without the bloodshed. It'd be the end of the Bush clan!

So never mind.

The Gloves Are Off

2008-08-18T22:34:00.003-04:00

I could stomach Gramama. I can deal with Cousin Itt. I tolerate Uncle Fester. I love when Wednesday plays Marie Antoinette with her dolls.

But we have give the boot to...

the hand. You ain't no sexy thing, Thing. Yes I am getting rid of a hand.

Kill the King

2008-08-18T09:49:00.002-04:00

I hope the King hasn't already been listed here, but even if he has, it bears repeating.
This is the creepiest ad mascot ever.
Who would think that a huge, shiny plastic head without a functioning mouth, the ability to talk or change facial expressions would be a good mascot for a burger joint?
Where does the King put the burgers he eats, in his ass?

Please Bury Him on the Lone Prairie

2008-08-18T06:27:00.003-04:00

John Wayne

I have no problem with Marion Michael Morrison as an actor. He made some very good movies and it is few actors who can turn an acting career into an iconic gig. Even when he stepped outside of the western genre, he did a decent job.

I have a problem, however, with the "cowboy loner cleaning up the bad guys with a Colt and a Winchester" icon. I do not think it is any accident that the three biggest clusterfucks of a war that his country has fought (at least since the British pretty much kicked our asses in the War of 1812) have been fought under the presidencies of two Texans who seemed to confuse the national interest with their testicles.

"We goan go in there and kick Commie/Raghead ass" seems to be the mindset of those two fools. Neither one of them had any conception as to what they were getting this country into and both of those endeavors ended with this country diminished.

We need a better icon than John Wayne. Retire him.

Gazooey!

2008-08-17T18:39:00.003-04:00

The Flintstones is one of the best cartoons series ever. Well-written, sharp, and realistic in an animated sense - Fred, Wilma, Barney and Betty were the "colorized" version of Ralph, Alice, Norton and Trixie. And with special guest stars like Ann-Margrock, kids ate it up. So did adults. Even when Pebbles and Bam-Bam came along (diverting from the Honeymooners premise), the show remained at the top of its game.

But one character needs to be shot back to where he came from. This was not Norton's Man From Space.

Singing tween slunt!

2008-08-17T09:58:00.003-04:00

This vapid twunt is the bane of my existence. You can not walk into any store without being assaulted by a wave of pink- and -purple-tinted, China-made "Hannnah Montana" crap. Clothing is adorned with her, book bags, folders, pencils, thongs, vibrators and personal lubes -- all branded with the likeness of what is supposed to be a "wholesome" role-model for girls.

You know, wholesome as in, sending mostly nekkid pictures to her boyfriend, using her cell, or posing, looking just-fucked, on "Vanity Fair." (You know...just fuck Disney altogether, while we're at it.)

Pop-tart prostitot ought to be boiled down for gelatin.