Sunday, January 25, 2009

Annoying Comes in Small Sizes

I cannot begin to tell you how annoying it is to see the commercial about how an accountant discovered a million-dollar error because he had eaten Frosted Mini-Wheats for breakfast; the little sentient speck of cereal takes the credit for that and then the little demonic monster answers the guy's phone.

Let's gloss over the fact that a pipsqueak that size who tried to talk would be emitting sound waves up in the dog-whistle range. One of my basic rules is that I do not want to have conversations with my food. Even more disturbing, the little critter seems happy at the idea that he is palling around with a guy who just ate a heaping bowl of his relatives.

The clowns who dreamed up this commercial need some serious professional help.

Throw this little fuck outside for the birds to eat.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

It's Like the Internet. Only Slower.

Mark Goldston, CEO of NetZero, a vulture and, in the words of Dickipedia, a dick.

NetZero, in case you have forgotten, is a supplier of dial-up Internet service. Goldston's pitch is that the 56 million households in the U.S could save billions of dollars a year by ditching broadband and going back to dial-up.

That compares to the amount of money that people will save if they put on really heavy clothes, heat their homes with wood fires and draw water from a hand-dug well in their back yards.

More and more websites are video and image heavy. If you try to view those with dial-up, you have to click on the link to the website and then go pour yourself a drink while the web page loads. If you want to watch any video on YouTube or anywhere else, you'll have to get a video downloader (like UltraGet) and then a video player like FLV Player. You paste the video URL into the window in UltraGet and then go have a snack while the video slowly downloads.

Remember, you've got a 56Kb/s modem, maybe. If, for example, you want to download the "Mom's Day William Tell" video:

that's about 7,750Kb. At the fastest possible speed, that's a bit over seven minutes. Most 56K modems tend to connect a tad bit slower, so you may have time to cook dinner while that one video is downloading.

The "Rick Roll" video is 8.3Mb, which will take you nearly 8 minutes to download. The "Passport to Pluto" documentary that I mentioned over at my home blog will take over 37 minutes to download.

Those numbers assume that you do not try to open another browser window while the download is going on. They assume that your youngest kid doesn't pick up an extension and start whistling into it.

Oh and while all that is going on, your phone line is tied up (and you presumably still have wired phone service).

Want to work from home and telecommute into the office by a remote link? Do research online for a project? Not with dialup.

Goldston's ad campaign is an attempt to use a bad economy as a means to rescue a dying method of connectivity. If anything, it is vulturism at its worst.

Hang this bastard high with a modem cord.

Thursday, January 8, 2009


Bye Bye Ooziness

OK - I don't wear dentures so I don't know about ooziness. But I know that I wouldn't buy a product advertised by these people talking about mouth ooziness - with a name of Sea Bond - sounds like you are eating the ocean.

PS - I hope Mr. Yuckiness got paid a lot to make an ass of himself.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

The End of the "New Year's Glasses"

Thankfully, 2009 was the last New Year's where these stupid glasses with two zeros on either side of the nosebridge can be worn.

So AMF to one of the ugliest items of wearable celebratory kitsch ever mass-produced. They won't be back for 990 years, which probably is not long enough.


I'd like to sop this guy up with a Shamwow and wring him out in the nearest toilet.