No Wonder "Twilight" is Like Soccer

For it goes on for an interminable time, there is a lot of yelling and screaming and nobody ever scores.

Melt This One Down For Scrap

The various models of the Terminator:

The movies in the Terminator series have been on a long slide downhill and T-4, excuse me "Terminator Salvation" accelerates the descent. The first movie was a pretty good story. After that, each movie chipped away at having a coherent story, though T-2 was good with Linda Hamilton transitioning from terrified waitress in T-1 to guerrilla master in T-2.

T-3 had long extended action sequences that were reminiscent of a Warner Brothers cartoon, including an extremely ridiculous chase sequence in which the bad terminator, driving a large crane, chased the good terminator and John Connor. T-4 substitutes the long chase scenes of T-3 with a lot of loud explosions and sets that make the movie Sin City look real by comparison. Like every movie in the series since T-2, this one has a "good" terminator, though this one, for reasons best left unexplained (if you still want to see this steaming pile of dreck), comes to fight on the side of humanity on its own.

Script pitch: Year 2018. Good terminator helps John Connor save the young man who will become his father. The two blow up Skynet's base in San Francisco. Good terminator sacrifices himself to save Connor. Fade to credits.

The Terminator series needs to end, now. The next person to pitch a T-5 concept should be flogged with barbed wire.

Collect up all of the Terminator models and melt them down.

(We'll be dealing with the real thing by the end of this century, anyway.)

Twilight, Moonlight, Whatever.

Vampires. Zombies. Werewolves. Whatever.

Kill them all.





Let Lucifer sort them out.

(Thanks to CrankyProf for reminding me how much vampires and zombies annoy the shit out of me)

At Last! A Woman for Most Guys!

The Svedka vodka fembot:
This creation is a large step up from the "Oral Annie" blow-up dolls sold in seedy sex shops off of Times Square in the pre-Disney era. I'm not at all surprised that a lot of men would be enamored with a feminine-looking robot who is programmed to overlook all of their repulsive and disgusting characteristics. When there is a guy whose idea of a smooth pick-up line is "damn, you gots all your teeth! Let's go make babies" (no shit on this one), you know that's one guy who if he's going to ever get laid in his life, it will be with a sheep, his right hand or a robot.

The last thing we need are sex robot..... wait, scratch that. If the really dumb ones gravitate towards having sex with robots, that can only improve the species. It'll be like a mass Darwin Award without the bloodshed. It'd be the end of the Bush clan!

So never mind.

Star Trek- Obviously Annoying

If we're going to deal with all of the variations of Star Trek, let's just get this one out of the way:

Wesley Crusher, Star Trek: The Next Generation

On a ship with a crew of supposedly about a thousand people or so, including an android that made Mr. Spock look as smart as George W. Bush, there were too many times that the survival of the ship depended on this kid. It was beyond annoying; which is probably why millions of television sets had to be replaced due to gunfire damage from ST:TNG fans.

I could not think of any fate that probably wasn't discussed to death on alt.wesley.die.die.die back in the text-based Usenet.

(This is all separate from Wil Wheaton, who has his own blog, an older blog and is apparently a pretty decent guy. As a bonus, he opposes the Chimperor, so I feel kind of bad for piling on his signature character, but I'll get over it.)

Star Trek, TOS: Medically Annoying

Nurse Christine Chapel, USS Enterprise, NCC-1701



Other than providing an unrequited love interest for Ol' Pointy Ears, it is hard to see what this character did, other than shrieking "Dr. McCoy!" (and providing a job for the wife of the creator/executive producer of the show). The character was at least a little more significant than Yeoman Janice Rand, who seemed to be there solely so that Kirk would have someone to leer at.

Transporter malfunction beams her into the warp core.

Stargate Annoying

Daniel Jackson, Ph.D., SG-1.



First off, I never cared for the "intellectual vs. knuckledragger" stuff that the show did for the first few years between Dr. Jackson and Col. O'Neill. But beyond that, what really torqued me was that they killed off Dr. Jackson and then resurrected him at least two or three times, maybe even more than that. Bringing the almost-full-dead back to life with the sarcophagus, OK, that's part of the show going back to the movie.

But killing him off, as in his body vaporizes, he runs around with a bunch of demi-gods for two years and then is cast out and back into human form? And when they do that, they can't be bothered to fix his nearsightedness?

This character needs to die and be staked into his coffin by Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Annoying on Basic Cable

LtCol. Cameron Mitchell of SG-1:

This character was the leader of the SG-1 team. Whether it was the way the character was written or what, LtCol Mitchell came across as a transplant of Commander John Crichton from Farscape.

Fortunately, the SciFi channel did not renew SG-1 for its 11th season, so SG-1 has been exiled to the world of direct-to-DVD movies.