Friday, February 19, 2010

Just. Fucking. Shoot. Me.

I can't think of a more grating way to start the morning than to have a mini-infomercial assault one's eyes and ears while I am trying to get the morning forecast on the Weather Channel.

And if you thought that Billy Mays was grating, the jerkwads who are marketing some gizmo called a "shoedini" have hired Gilbert Gottfried as their pitchman. (I predicted as much.)

If you can take more than five seconds of that grating voice, you're a better person than I am. I hit the mute button on my remote as fast as I could and if that didn't work, I was going to get my shotgun.

If there is anyone (other than maybe al-Rushbo and the Blubbering Fascist) who should seriously consider gargling with battery acid, it is Gilbert Gottfried. They should have used him as a CIA questioner, they could have avoided having to torture anyone. Just having to hear that voice would have been enough to get anyone to talk--- "Please, please, effendi, I'll tell you what you want to know, just make that guy shut up."

Shoehorns on sticks are not a new idea. Anyone foolish enough to buy a shoedini should have to listen to Gilbert Gottfried at least ten hours a day.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Baroness

Imagine being a mother to 7 Austrian children that wear curtains and give puppet shows. Neither could the baroness von shrager.

she couldn't even play dodge ball. And anyone who gets dumped for a nun - well time to end her run as the baroness.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Luke Wilson?!

I realize Luke Wilson is a real person and not a character in these ads per se, but I beg to differ. In these omnipresent AT&T ads, he plays the part of a doughy fat guy with horribly thin hair plastered to his head and the world's most hideous eyebrows.
He is not handsome, not even remotely sexy and he makes me glad I'm gay.
You know he's creepy when his creepy brother Owen Wilson is the more attractive brother.
How would I kill this character?
I'd stuff him full of cell phones until he explodes.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Yes, This is a Repeat. So Sue Me.

I know that two of my co-bloggers here have dealt with these guys in posts 18 months ago.
I also know that by the rules that I established for this blog, we're only supposed to wish harm to the characters, not the people.

I know that.

But these guys are really pushing the envelope on being terminally annoying. Did you know that those fuckers have a website for their "free credit report band"? And did you realize that there are probably people on this planet, outside of those living in locked wards, who download the music from the commercials?

I didn't either, not until tonight.

So here is the deal for the free credit report dot com folks: When you run a commercial that shows those guys all of a sudden sporting red 0.45in. bindis, I'll come visit your web site. I might even subscribe to your service.

And if those .45 bindis just happen to be the manifestation of a sudden and terminal case of bullet wounds, well, that's show biz.

(H/T for the bindi reference)