Friday, December 31, 2010

Did You Know That You Can Kill Someone With a Sharpened #2 Pencil?

And you probably should start with these guys:

A signature is about all that those German Sludge-o-Matics are worth.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Slag the Car Dealers

I cannot tell you how sick I am of car dealers' commercials with some cheap-ass chorus wailing: "It's the Final Markdown!"

Toss those commercials, and the morons who dreamed them up, into a crusher.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Strangle This Loanshark With His Own Hair

This guy is the spokescriminal for "Western Sky Financial," a loansharking operation.

Pure and simple, loan-sharking is what they do. Their interest rate varies from 140% to as high as 200%.

How bad is that, you ask? Say you borrow $2,500. If you had a decent interest on your credit cards and you got a cash advance for that much at 20% over 3 years, you'd pay back just under $93 a month and of what you paid back, you'd pay $845 in interest charges (I'm rounding off the change).

But if you go to Western Sky, that $2,500 loan at 200% will cost you a whopping $418 a month and you'll pay $12,559 in interest charges. Even if you get their lower rate of 140%, you'll still pay $297 a month and pay $8,201 in interest charges over three years.

It was actually cheaper to borrow money from the mob, they charged a lower interest rate than those clowns. And if you think these guys are bad, read up on the "payday loan" industry, which has effective annual interest rates well over a thousand percent.

These guys are the bottom feeders of the banksters. They should be crucified on the Tree of Woe.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Take this Lousy Dog to the Pound.
Jay Bush, owner of Bush's Baked Bean Company, uses his dog Duke as a co-star on all his commercials.
The dog is no good.
He makes Jay Bush look like a gullible idiot because the mongrel is always trying to sell the secret family recipe to anyone who asks.
Dogs are supposed to be loyal and trustworthy, but Duke Bush is a spoiled, conniving mutt who probably sheds a lot. Plus, I'm certain he's full of stinky gas from eating all those beans.
Let's put an end to this now. Here's the secret recipe:
pork n' beans
high fructose corn syrup
flavor additives
chemical preservatives
salt, pepper and fat.
Now, someone please deliver Duke to the nearest pound.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Shake Weight For Men

Gay Much?

I'd kill this character just for being stupid enough to appear in this soft porn ad for a battery operated tool that works the same muscles as the average circle jerk.
How would I kill him? Let's just say he'd be be shaking from the hips down all the way to the hospital.

Friday, August 20, 2010

I Want My DDT

Because I would use it to kill the frakking Nasonex bee:

This bug, with its fake Antonio Banderas accent, grates every time that my senses are assaulted by it.

Let me ask this, though: Who comprises the target audience for this product campaign? Are there really that many idiots who are willing to take pharmacological advice from an insect?

Spray this bug with DDT and then step on it.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

No Wonder "Twilight" is Like Soccer

For it goes on for an interminable time, there is a lot of yelling and screaming and nobody ever scores.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Kill These "Characters"

Now, of course I'm not suggesting anyone kill these actual people, I'm merely suggesting that the characters Jake and Vienna should be killed.
Let's set the scene. It's twilight on a windswept California beach.
The smooching couple is huddled together under a cashmere throw, watching the approaching helicopter.
As the helicopter begins to land, sand whips up and abrades both their faces into livid red mush, blinding them in the process.
As they wretch in agony, the chopper's pilot and co-pilot wrangle them forcefully into the helicopter. Just as the chopper reaches the dividing line between the Crips and the Bloods territories in Compton, the couple are thrown from the helicopter while it's hovering a thousand feet in the air.
Breaking up is hard to do.
(cue: On the Wings of Love)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Smash Those Toys

I have seen variants of this annoying Kia Motors commercial for some months, now. I have yet to discern how a bunch of full-sized animate toys having fun has anything to do with why anyone would want to buy a Kia.

What is the point of this commercial? Why would I want to drive a car that a bunch of screwy toys drive?

So let's strap these damn toys to a cherry bomb and blast the annoying fuckers to Hell.

(And none of this touches the point that in the military, KIA is an acronym for "killed in action", not exactly the best marketing strategy.)

Friday, April 2, 2010

World's Most Obnoxious Man

How would I kill this character? Easy! I'd bludgeon him with that blue phone until he was the same shade of blue.
Seriously, if Nationwide was my insurance carrier, I'd cancel it because of this douche bag.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Just. Fucking. Shoot. Me.

I can't think of a more grating way to start the morning than to have a mini-infomercial assault one's eyes and ears while I am trying to get the morning forecast on the Weather Channel.

And if you thought that Billy Mays was grating, the jerkwads who are marketing some gizmo called a "shoedini" have hired Gilbert Gottfried as their pitchman. (I predicted as much.)

If you can take more than five seconds of that grating voice, you're a better person than I am. I hit the mute button on my remote as fast as I could and if that didn't work, I was going to get my shotgun.

If there is anyone (other than maybe al-Rushbo and the Blubbering Fascist) who should seriously consider gargling with battery acid, it is Gilbert Gottfried. They should have used him as a CIA questioner, they could have avoided having to torture anyone. Just having to hear that voice would have been enough to get anyone to talk--- "Please, please, effendi, I'll tell you what you want to know, just make that guy shut up."

Shoehorns on sticks are not a new idea. Anyone foolish enough to buy a shoedini should have to listen to Gilbert Gottfried at least ten hours a day.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Baroness

Imagine being a mother to 7 Austrian children that wear curtains and give puppet shows. Neither could the baroness von shrager.

she couldn't even play dodge ball. And anyone who gets dumped for a nun - well time to end her run as the baroness.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Luke Wilson?!

I realize Luke Wilson is a real person and not a character in these ads per se, but I beg to differ. In these omnipresent AT&T ads, he plays the part of a doughy fat guy with horribly thin hair plastered to his head and the world's most hideous eyebrows.
He is not handsome, not even remotely sexy and he makes me glad I'm gay.
You know he's creepy when his creepy brother Owen Wilson is the more attractive brother.
How would I kill this character?
I'd stuff him full of cell phones until he explodes.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Yes, This is a Repeat. So Sue Me.

I know that two of my co-bloggers here have dealt with these guys in posts 18 months ago.
I also know that by the rules that I established for this blog, we're only supposed to wish harm to the characters, not the people.

I know that.

But these guys are really pushing the envelope on being terminally annoying. Did you know that those fuckers have a website for their "free credit report band"? And did you realize that there are probably people on this planet, outside of those living in locked wards, who download the music from the commercials?

I didn't either, not until tonight.

So here is the deal for the free credit report dot com folks: When you run a commercial that shows those guys all of a sudden sporting red 0.45in. bindis, I'll come visit your web site. I might even subscribe to your service.

And if those .45 bindis just happen to be the manifestation of a sudden and terminal case of bullet wounds, well, that's show biz.

(H/T for the bindi reference)

Monday, January 18, 2010

Joe's Crab Shit

First of all, little kids today are obnoxious and overly indulged enough as it is. To encourage them to say, "Oh shit!" at every opportunity is just plain wrong.
Besides, when I'm hungry and considering which restaurant to visit, just the thought of a table next to me with the whole family cussing throughout their meal is enough to automatically rule out Joe's Crab Shit.
Don't kill the characters in this ad, kill the nitwits who created it.
Shark infested waters, of course.