No Wonder "Twilight" is Like Soccer

For it goes on for an interminable time, there is a lot of yelling and screaming and nobody ever scores.

Melt This One Down For Scrap

The various models of the Terminator:

The movies in the Terminator series have been on a long slide downhill and T-4, excuse me "Terminator Salvation" accelerates the descent. The first movie was a pretty good story. After that, each movie chipped away at having a coherent story, though T-2 was good with Linda Hamilton transitioning from terrified waitress in T-1 to guerrilla master in T-2.

T-3 had long extended action sequences that were reminiscent of a Warner Brothers cartoon, including an extremely ridiculous chase sequence in which the bad terminator, driving a large crane, chased the good terminator and John Connor. T-4 substitutes the long chase scenes of T-3 with a lot of loud explosions and sets that make the movie Sin City look real by comparison. Like every movie in the series since T-2, this one has a "good" terminator, though this one, for reasons best left unexplained (if you still want to see this steaming pile of dreck), comes to fight on the side of humanity on its own.

Script pitch: Year 2018. Good terminator helps John Connor save the young man who will become his father. The two blow up Skynet's base in San Francisco. Good terminator sacrifices himself to save Connor. Fade to credits.

The Terminator series needs to end, now. The next person to pitch a T-5 concept should be flogged with barbed wire.

Collect up all of the Terminator models and melt them down.

(We'll be dealing with the real thing by the end of this century, anyway.)

Twilight, Moonlight, Whatever.

Vampires. Zombies. Werewolves. Whatever.

Kill them all.





Let Lucifer sort them out.

(Thanks to CrankyProf for reminding me how much vampires and zombies annoy the shit out of me)

Painfully Annoying

Max Payne


This is the best that Hollywood can do, now? They have run out of comic book characters, so now they have to start taking their characters from video games?

I was going to say something snarky about maybe they'll make a movie about Pac-Man, but oh, wait, they are. I guess "Tetris, the Movie" or "Pong- the Move" or "Galaxan" or "Missile Command" are not far behind. Surely "Grand Theft Auto" has been greenlighted.

No, I did not see "Doom." I like Dwane Johnson, other than the fact that he seems to be a Republican, that is, but I think movies based on video games are bottom feeders, only higher up the food chain than movies based on commercials.

Control-Alt-Delete this one.

Garrotte These Clowns

From the movie "Choke," which is being released today:

The ads for this movie (at least on basic cable) have been both pervasive and stupid. If I see too many more of them, I am going to have an urge to track down the director and choke him.

Anybody have an address for Alan Smithee?

Oh it was sad when the great ship went down

and didnt take her.

Smash. Smash!

The Incredible Hulk

For this post, Hulk is a stand-in for CGI animation in general. I hate watching CGI characters fight on the screen. There is no drama, no story, just the output of a bunch of computer geeks who should have "`Can` is Not the Same as `Should`" tattooed on their foreheads. CGI is becoming more and more the province of lazy movie-making: "More CGI! More gun fights! More car chases!"

(An all-CGI movie is a cartoon, those do not count.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you have a killer CGI team. Big fucking whoop. Reliance on CGI is just pitiful. You need only watch the first Star Wars movie (before Lucas fucked it up in `97) and compare it to any of the last three to see that. CGI is how Lucas was able to wring three movies out of this premise:

"Anakin Skywalker grows up, becomes a Jedi knight, schtups Princess Padamane and knoocks her up with twins, turns to the dark side with the assistance of Dick Cheney, slaughters all but two of the other Jedi knights, is horribly wounded by Obi Wan, and has to put on the black suit. The end."

Just as in every movie since Bullitt, a long car chase is a sign of "we haven't got much of a story, so we're going to drag it out" (think Ronin or Bourne Supremacy), a lot of CGI is a pretty good indication that there is going to be no there, there in the movie. CGI is the movie equivalent of "hamburger helper" or sawdust.

There ought to be a tax on the use of CGI. Or the directors need to be beaten with chains. Frankly, either solution is fine with me.

Like Buttuh

Baruch atoh adonai elohaynu melech haolem, adonai echod



Baruch atah guillotine lastreisand echaracter

At the shore

this guy may be worse than Carrot Top












maybe worse, or just as worse - in every movie he was in (Son In Law, Encino Man)

Please Bury Him on the Lone Prairie

John Wayne

I have no problem with Marion Michael Morrison as an actor. He made some very good movies and it is few actors who can turn an acting career into an iconic gig. Even when he stepped outside of the western genre, he did a decent job.

I have a problem, however, with the "cowboy loner cleaning up the bad guys with a Colt and a Winchester" icon. I do not think it is any accident that the three biggest clusterfucks of a war that his country has fought (at least since the British pretty much kicked our asses in the War of 1812) have been fought under the presidencies of two Texans who seemed to confuse the national interest with their testicles.

"We goan go in there and kick Commie/Raghead ass" seems to be the mindset of those two fools. Neither one of them had any conception as to what they were getting this country into and both of those endeavors ended with this country diminished.

We need a better icon than John Wayne. Retire him.

Look at Me, I'm.....

Let me start by saying i HATE this movie. Not only should Sandy Olsen (who was Sandy Dumbrowski in the much better original play from 1972 that starred Barry Bostwick and Adrienne Barbeau) and Danny Zuko fall out of the car that flies, but they should force the Pink Ladies and all of the T-Birds to suck Rydell right here.












actually there is ONE good thing about this movie (besides the closing credits, meaning it is over) -- Stockard Channing. Isn't she the most? To say the least

Paging AARP! Paging AARP!

Indiana Jones
As a young man, Indiana Jones rode with Pancho Villa. He fought the Germans in East Africa and was in the French Army during the Battle of Verdun. 40 years later, he is hiding inside a lead-lined refrigerator when a hydrogen bomb goes off less than a mile away; the `fridge is thrown across the desert and he comes out without a bruise, let alone a broken bone or six. A little while later, Jones is in the Amazon jungle, trading punches with a Russian soldier twice his size and a third his age.

Yeah, right. Even the U.S. Army won't take men over 42 and that is downright ancient for engaging in soldiering, but there is AARP Jones, running around the jungle and fighting the Russians.

Strap this character to a scooter chair and make him listen to Wilford Brimley ads.

Why They Invented Anti-Aircraft Guns

Mary Poppins.

"A spoonful of sugar makes the poison go down..." Besides the saccharine songs, Dick Van Dyke affected the worst English accent ever to assault the ears. The movie was enough to make the audience wish for becoming totally deaf and blind.

Lock and load flak guns. Fire when ready. Any questions?

The Hills are not alive

How do you handle a problem like Maria - have the nuns off her. That would be one of my favorite things.



I always thought this would be a better movie if they killed this character early on. You know, let those brats terrorize Salzburg

Sorry

as one ages... this movie becomes more and more unwatchable



this one is just the worst of a ton of annoying characters
(like the monkeys, Glinda, the Lollipop Guild, the tornado, Auntie Em, the pigs, the trees with apples, the Wizard, Michael Jackson - oops wrong Wiz)

the only characters actually worthy of saving are Toto and the already dead Wicked Witch of the East.

Tho I will say this movie becomes extremely watchable if you have a ton of THC in your system.

I know I just make a ton of people upset

The entire cast

of St. Elmo's Fire
one of the most pretentious, whinest, awful and stupid movies made in the '80s




ESPECIALLY DEMI MOORE

then again - any Demi Moore character should be.....

Archeologically Annoying

The Jonathan Carnahan character in the Mummy series



Completely untrustworthy and just an all-around gutless weasel. It's a wonder he hasn't been hired by the Bush Administration.

He should be chained to Jar-Jar Binks

Too obvious

This one is too obvious so let's get it out of the way...

Continually Annoying

Just about every character played by Will Ferrell:


By the time he's played his 57th character of a man-child who has not yet mentally grown up, maybe people will tire of it. But since the latest steaming heap of excrement he made pulled in $30+ million on its opening weekend, that day has not yet arrived.

Being killed by an exploding fart would be rather fitting, don't you think?