Endangered Creature, Shemdangered Creature

Kill it.

I am trying to think of a more moronic motto than the one that Xyzal uses. Maybe "Our Name Wins at Scrabble"? At least this thing can be taken to a taxidermist. But you might be able to make a lot of money with a talking owl. Maybe run it for governor.

Drown in Coffee?

This is what I see, sometimes, when I sign out of Facebook:

Stephanie Courtney is likely a nice person, but I am so sick of the Flo character that holding Flo down in a vat of java would be a joy to contemplate.

Cut the Wires on these Clowns

This commercial, one of a series from DirectTV, is extraordinarily creepy:

Whoever came up with this one, all kidding aside, needs some serious professional help. The same goes for whoever reviewed it and signed off on airing it. For what it tells everyone is that DirectTV is run by a bunch of pervos. Cut the wires on the puppet and use them to hang the up the human.

Take Both Pills and Die, Already!

It's bad enough that we have the hype over Super Bowl commercials, but now we have pre-commercials.

He should take both pills-- the red one is cyanide, the blue one is strychnine. Or the other way around. Either way.

They Should Only Choke Out and Die, Already

If you live in an area where the Sonic chain has stores, you've probably seen these two clowns.








Crimus, these commercials become so annoying that it's worth not eating there. May those two clowns choke on those hot dogs.

If They Ever Make an Exploding Segway

Bonnie should get the first one.



Besides the fact that this commercial is as annoying as fuck, a clown who goes ripping down the aisles of a store on a Segway is just begging to be clotheslined with a broomstick.

Steamed? You Bet!

The Stanley Steemer dudes:



The creepy balding guy who is driving the pedovan company truck comes across as a serial killer who took that job so that he could scout out potential victims. Or he's a scout for a home invasion team.

Parboil both of them.

Open Your Mouths and Drown!

This is the current stupid commercial that Comcast/Xfinity is now airing.



Sappy enough for the Lifetime Channel, only with guys who are too stupid to come out of the rain.

Yeah, you can get fast speed on Comcast. At five o'clock in the fucking morning. In the late afternoon and evening, forget about it, for you're using the cyber-equivalent of a telephone party line. The only people crying about Comcast are those who have seen how high their bill spiked once the promotional rates timed out, or those who are stuck with the recycled POS DVRs, cable boxes and cable modems that Comcast rents to their "customers".

There's no sound of thunder, so we can't hope that those two fools will be hit by lightning. Maybe they'll look up and drown, or catch pneumonia or be eaten by the DirectTV wolves.

Where Are the Men With the Butterfly Nets?

The Insane Target Shopper Lady:





This character needs some serious professional help, as well as a lengthy stay in a locked ward. Do straight-jackets come in red?

Maybe this year, she'll get trampled when the doors open at midnight.

Drop the Arch on This Guy

Keith Stone:



Yeah, some unshaven clown walking around with a case of beer on his shoulder is "smooth". Or he's a serious pervo who is trolling for underage boys willing to suck him off for beer.

Not only hit him with the keystone, but with the rest of the rocks in the arch.

Guess What, Lady? Your Bank Hates Your Guts.

And those of your dog.



That guy was probably out the door ten seconds later while saying: "Gee, where has the time gone? I totally forgot that I have a dentist appointment for an emergency root canal."

This character (and her dog) ends up being shot to death by the SWAT cops after a bank robbery goes sideways.

Did You Know That You Can Kill Someone With a Sharpened #2 Pencil?

And you probably should start with these guys:



A signature is about all that those German Sludge-o-Matics are worth.

Slag the Car Dealers

I cannot tell you how sick I am of car dealers' commercials with some cheap-ass chorus wailing: "It's the Final Markdown!"

Toss those commercials, and the morons who dreamed them up, into a crusher.

Strangle This Loanshark With His Own Hair

This guy is the spokescriminal for "Western Sky Financial," a loansharking operation.

Pure and simple, loan-sharking is what they do. Their interest rate varies from 140% to as high as 200%.

How bad is that, you ask? Say you borrow $2,500. If you had a decent interest on your credit cards and you got a cash advance for that much at 20% over 3 years, you'd pay back just under $93 a month and of what you paid back, you'd pay $845 in interest charges (I'm rounding off the change).

But if you go to Western Sky, that $2,500 loan at 200% will cost you a whopping $418 a month and you'll pay $12,559 in interest charges. Even if you get their lower rate of 140%, you'll still pay $297 a month and pay $8,201 in interest charges over three years.

It was actually cheaper to borrow money from the mob, they charged a lower interest rate than those clowns. And if you think these guys are bad, read up on the "payday loan" industry, which has effective annual interest rates well over a thousand percent.

These guys are the bottom feeders of the banksters. They should be crucified on the Tree of Woe.

I Want My DDT

Because I would use it to kill the frakking Nasonex bee:

This bug, with its fake Antonio Banderas accent, grates every time that my senses are assaulted by it.

Let me ask this, though: Who comprises the target audience for this product campaign? Are there really that many idiots who are willing to take pharmacological advice from an insect?

Spray this bug with DDT and then step on it.

Smash Those Toys

I have seen variants of this annoying Kia Motors commercial for some months, now. I have yet to discern how a bunch of full-sized animate toys having fun has anything to do with why anyone would want to buy a Kia.



What is the point of this commercial? Why would I want to drive a car that a bunch of screwy toys drive?

So let's strap these damn toys to a cherry bomb and blast the annoying fuckers to Hell.

(And none of this touches the point that in the military, KIA is an acronym for "killed in action", not exactly the best marketing strategy.)

Just. Fucking. Shoot. Me.

I can't think of a more grating way to start the morning than to have a mini-infomercial assault one's eyes and ears while I am trying to get the morning forecast on the Weather Channel.

And if you thought that Billy Mays was grating, the jerkwads who are marketing some gizmo called a "shoedini" have hired Gilbert Gottfried as their pitchman. (I predicted as much.)



If you can take more than five seconds of that grating voice, you're a better person than I am. I hit the mute button on my remote as fast as I could and if that didn't work, I was going to get my shotgun.

If there is anyone (other than maybe al-Rushbo and the Blubbering Fascist) who should seriously consider gargling with battery acid, it is Gilbert Gottfried. They should have used him as a CIA questioner, they could have avoided having to torture anyone. Just having to hear that voice would have been enough to get anyone to talk--- "Please, please, effendi, I'll tell you what you want to know, just make that guy shut up."

Shoehorns on sticks are not a new idea. Anyone foolish enough to buy a shoedini should have to listen to Gilbert Gottfried at least ten hours a day.

Yes, This is a Repeat. So Sue Me.

I know that two of my co-bloggers here have dealt with these guys in posts 18 months ago.

I also know that by the rules that I established for this blog, we're only supposed to wish harm to the characters, not the people.

I know that.

But these guys are really pushing the envelope on being terminally annoying. Did you know that those fuckers have a website for their "free credit report band"? And did you realize that there are probably people on this planet, outside of those living in locked wards, who download the music from the commercials?

I didn't either, not until tonight.

So here is the deal for the free credit report dot com folks: When you run a commercial that shows those guys all of a sudden sporting red 0.45in. bindis, I'll come visit your web site. I might even subscribe to your service.

And if those .45 bindis just happen to be the manifestation of a sudden and terminal case of bullet wounds, well, that's show biz.

(H/T for the bindi reference)

Shred the Dress. And the Card.

"Hey, Honey, we can't go on vacation because I blew all of our credit-card miles on this dress!"


This commercial is just ridiculous. First off, the credit card companies are busily slashing their customer base and their customers' credit lines. Second, you'll have to hunt a long way to find a straight guy who is going to be happy at the idea that, instead of being able to use the credit-card points to take a vacation, his wife used them to buy a very expensive dress. From his approving expression when she models the dress, he's probably a closeted drag queen and as soon as she goes off to work, he's going to try on that number.



Use the dress to polish your shoes. Shitcan this commercial.

Drown This Guy.

Or have him eaten by a very large octopus. It's all the same to me.



(By the way, that's about a 60 gallon barrel. 60 gallons of water, which is what whiskey pretty much is, weighs about 500lbs, plus the weight of the barrel. I don't think some pasty-faced distiller's going to be walking up a beach with it over his shoulder.)