Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Melt This One Down For Scrap

The various models of the Terminator:

The movies in the Terminator series have been on a long slide downhill and T-4, excuse me "Terminator Salvation" accelerates the descent. The first movie was a pretty good story. After that, each movie chipped away at having a coherent story, though T-2 was good with Linda Hamilton transitioning from terrified waitress in T-1 to guerrilla master in T-2.

T-3 had long extended action sequences that were reminiscent of a Warner Brothers cartoon, including an extremely ridiculous chase sequence in which the bad terminator, driving a large crane, chased the good terminator and John Connor. T-4 substitutes the long chase scenes of T-3 with a lot of loud explosions and sets that make the movie Sin City look real by comparison. Like every movie in the series since T-2, this one has a "good" terminator, though this one, for reasons best left unexplained (if you still want to see this steaming pile of dreck), comes to fight on the side of humanity on its own.

Script pitch: Year 2018. Good terminator helps John Connor save the young man who will become his father. The two blow up Skynet's base in San Francisco. Good terminator sacrifices himself to save Connor. Fade to credits.

The Terminator series needs to end, now. The next person to pitch a T-5 concept should be flogged with barbed wire.

Collect up all of the Terminator models and melt them down.

(We'll be dealing with the real thing by the end of this century, anyway.)

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Quizzno's Gay Sandwich

When You Hear a Male Voice Say, "Put It In Me, Scott..."

Hey, I'm all for queerie stuff on TV, but come on, a phallic sandwich and a talking male toaster oven asking a male to stick it in?
Who exactly are they trying to sell this sandwich to, Log Cabin Republicans?
As a self respecting lesbian, I might enjoy a sandwich like the new Quizzno's Torpedo, but do I really want to be thinking about some guy asking another guy to stick it in while I've got my mouth wrapped around it?
What's next, a Taco Bell ad with a female talking piece of foil asking some woman to "Lick my delicious taco?"

Saturday, May 9, 2009

He's back

enough said

more flags, more fun, more puke

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Cuban GYN/Car Salesman? WTF?

There should be some sort of qualifier before just anyone can cut a TV ad.
This guy shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a vagina or a Volkswagen, a hymen or a Hyundai, a labia or a Lexus, a pussy or a Prius, or a cooter or a Cougar.

How would I kill this character? I'd run him over in a Volkswagen, then a Hyundai, then a Lexus, then a Prius, then finish him off with a Cougar.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Twilight, Moonlight, Whatever.

Vampires. Zombies. Werewolves. Whatever.

Kill them all.

Let Lucifer sort them out.

(Thanks to CrankyProf for reminding me how much vampires and zombies annoy the shit out of me)

FGetch a large scrub brush and a bucket of lard.

Robert Pattison is the greasy, whiny, emo douche who plays a greasy, whiny emo douche vampire that sparkles in "Twilight."

As far as I can tell, his only real talent as an actor is that he repels soap and makes little tweener girls squee at ear-shattering pitches.

Can we 86 the sparkly vampire and relegate this guy to third-line fry cook at Bob's House of Vinegar and Water?