They Should Only Choke Out and Die, Already

If you live in an area where the Sonic chain has stores, you've probably seen these two clowns.








Crimus, these commercials become so annoying that it's worth not eating there. May those two clowns choke on those hot dogs.

Open Your Mouths and Drown!

This is the current stupid commercial that Comcast/Xfinity is now airing.



Sappy enough for the Lifetime Channel, only with guys who are too stupid to come out of the rain.

Yeah, you can get fast speed on Comcast. At five o'clock in the fucking morning. In the late afternoon and evening, forget about it, for you're using the cyber-equivalent of a telephone party line. The only people crying about Comcast are those who have seen how high their bill spiked once the promotional rates timed out, or those who are stuck with the recycled POS DVRs, cable boxes and cable modems that Comcast rents to their "customers".

There's no sound of thunder, so we can't hope that those two fools will be hit by lightning. Maybe they'll look up and drown, or catch pneumonia or be eaten by the DirectTV wolves.

So Shut Up and Freeze to Death, Already

In its first segment this morning, Good Morning America asked: "What bugs you most about winter?"

My answer: Goddamn television reporters bleating about how rough winter is. Snow, ice, freezing rain, plows, sand, salt, yada yada yada.



This is the north, asswipes. It is wintertime. It is cold. It snows. It can get icy.

Deal with it and enough with the goddamn on-air kvetching. If you can't stomach winter weather, then move to some fetid shithole like Delray Beach, Phoenix or Guatemala and do your stand-ups from there.

He's back

enough said

more flags, more fun, more puke

Kill All of These "Big Pharma" Spokesicons

No, I am not going to have the "detrol discussion" with anyone.

Nor am I going to discuss fiber neuralgia or cholesterol levels or hypertension or any of that. I'm not going to change my vitamins, either. If I have a medical problem, I can go talk to my doctor without the prompting of a bloody ad on the idjit box.

Once, just once I would like to be able to watch the evening news without feeling as though I have been bombarded with a capsule reading of the Physician's Desk Reference, as given by the spokesvermin from Big Pharma. Of course, all of those ads are aimed at folks over fifty, as people much under 50 are not watching the evening news, which is why you don't see ads for snowboards.

I am sick of these fucking ads, which means that I can take the one thing that can be prescribed for it: Turning off the TV set. And before you suggest PBS's "News Hour," don't forget all all of the ads sponsor's acknowledgments at the beginning of each show.

Kill the icons before they kill us.

Weatherdude, a Mr. Charles Darwin is Calling on Line 2

The brave stupid weathermen who stand outside in a hurricane to show you that "damn, the wind is blowing hard!"

This happens every year. The worst offenders are the pack of lunatics on the Weather Channel. It is probably inevitable that during a hurricane, a piece of flying debris will waste one of those morons. Or maybe they'll be standing in a large puddle ("look how deep the water is here") when a power line comes down and fries the reporter.

Reporters used to have more sense. They'd set up a camera so they could get shots of trees whipping around or street signs blowing around and then the weatherman, who was safe in a nice warm and dry studio, would supply the narration.

But no, that is not good enough anymore. Now the idiots have to stand outside in the wind and rain to show that it is rainy and windy. They are living proof to the proposition that being on television makes one stupid.

Sadly, it probably will take one or more of these idiots getting his (or her) fool self seriously injured or killed in order to restore a touch of sanity to these lens-happy jackoffs. If there is an afterlife, it would only be fitting that Alfred Wallace and Charles Darwin would greet them with a hard dope-slap.

UPDATE: It took about two hours for someone at the Weather Channel to find this post.

Bye Bye Miss American Pie

drove my chevy to the levy
but the levy was dry
and good old boys were drinking whiskey and rye
singing this'll be the day that they die



(the characters that is)

WORST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION

Waste This Federal Douchebag

Fox Mulder.

Even though the FBI at times seems to be unable to conduct an investigation of a one-car crash (even when the driver blew .35 on a Breathalyzer), it's hard to conceive of even the Feebies being goofy enough to put up with this delusional douchebag.

Let's skip past the tragedy that undoubtedly some moron named his or her son after this clown. It's probably a good thing that this show came about before a lot of the basic cable channels began offering original dramas. Otherwise, this waste of carbon might have been named "Lifetime Mulder."

This character isn't just wearing a tinfoil hat, he wears tinfoil underwear. In a world where our own government can't competently run a two-car parade, in order to buy the crap handed out as a premise by the X-Files, you have to buy into the notion of an overarching conspiracy at something (when they were not dealing with alien abductions or other similarly loony concepts.)

Why Dana Scully didn't (a) request a new partner; or (b) just shoot this goofball in the head is beyond me. You have to suspect that she had really screwed the pooch in an earlier post to be saddled with this guy. Even being assigned to the FBI sub-sub-field office in North Dakota had to be better than being assigned to follow this drooling idiot around the country.

Fox needs to be locked in a car in summer and then die because Scully can't find the keys to let him out.

Borrriiinngggggg

The three most boring characters in TV history
Kill them all, poison the water supply



Keep the dog

The Gloves Are Off

I could stomach Gramama. I can deal with Cousin Itt. I tolerate Uncle Fester. I love when Wednesday plays Marie Antoinette with her dolls.

But we have give the boot to...



the hand. You ain't no sexy thing, Thing. Yes I am getting rid of a hand.

Gazooey!

The Flintstones is one of the best cartoons series ever. Well-written, sharp, and realistic in an animated sense - Fred, Wilma, Barney and Betty were the "colorized" version of Ralph, Alice, Norton and Trixie. And with special guest stars like Ann-Margrock, kids ate it up. So did adults. Even when Pebbles and Bam-Bam came along (diverting from the Honeymooners premise), the show remained at the top of its game.

But one character needs to be shot back to where he came from. This was not Norton's Man From Space.

Torturously Annoying

Jack Bauer:

I have no problem with "24," as a pure television drama. I thought the concept was interesting, at first, though the storyline was a bit much. And if it had stayed a middling "super-secret-agent" television show, that would have been fine.

But it didn't. Just like Archie Bunker legitimized being an ignorant bigot, Jack Bauer has been used by those of the Right who, at their core, really do hate freedom and liberty, as an argument for dismantling our civil liberties and protections. The morally-challenged morons in Dick Cheney's office used Jack Bauer as an argument for the de facto legalization of the committing of war crimes by people in the American government. A sitting justice of the Supreme Court has referred to Jack Bauer as justification for truncating the rule of law and the right of access to the courts.

The Right's greatest justification for the use of torture has been a fictional character. Think about that for a minute and then substitute "Santa Claus" for "Jack Bauer" to see how utterly insane that truly is. Imagine a vice president of the United States or a Supreme Court justice using Santa Claus in an argument for any purpose, and you will instantly see how low this country has sunk.

It is not Jack Bauer's fault. But he has been a harbinger of our descent into the status of being the most heavily armed rogue nation in world history. For that, he needs to die soon.

Jeepers Dad

He went to the "office" though no one, not even his wife (who did the dishes in pearls) had any idea what he did.

I wonder what he would have said if Beaver was a drug-addict degenerate who stole from the local stores to get his girlfriend to a "doctor"

aah life in the idyllic 1950's with Ward. The perfect dad.

If you thought

Archie Bunker set back race relations, this character completely destroyed them.



H/T to JAS for the idea

Nixonian Annoying

Archie Bunker

Yes, I know that this character was supposed to be a satirical take on racism and bigotry and pride in being ignorant. But for too many people, Archie Bunker legitimized being an ignoramus and a bigot. George W. Bush is a direct descendant of Archie Bunker, a person who was proud of being a know-nothing.

Without Archie Bunker, we would not have been afflicted with Rush Limbaugh.

So damn the character of Archie Bunker to hell and, yes, while this is a violation of the ground rules of this blog, damn to hell his creators. If they are not already there.

The Butler did it

Even as an 8 year old I hated this show, with fruitiest butler (or "valet") of all time and some of the most unrealistic kids ever.

I was just gonna off Mr. French, but I decided ALL of them need to go
even Uncle Beeeaallll and Mrs. Beasley



But I would like the apartment.

Legally Annoying

Prosecutor Jack McCoy, "Law and Order."

McCoy has been manufacturing outrage in the courtroom for, oh, I don't know. It seems as though this show has been on the air since either M*A*S*H went off the air or Philo Farnsworth invented the damn idiot box. (Maybe even longer.) If it wasn't for being able to constantly air re-runs of Law and Order, TNT would have about eighteen hours of airtime to fill each day.

This character needs to be caught in bed with a dead hooker and given 25-life upstate. Far upstate.

Star Trek- Obviously Annoying

If we're going to deal with all of the variations of Star Trek, let's just get this one out of the way:

Wesley Crusher, Star Trek: The Next Generation

On a ship with a crew of supposedly about a thousand people or so, including an android that made Mr. Spock look as smart as George W. Bush, there were too many times that the survival of the ship depended on this kid. It was beyond annoying; which is probably why millions of television sets had to be replaced due to gunfire damage from ST:TNG fans.

I could not think of any fate that probably wasn't discussed to death on alt.wesley.die.die.die back in the text-based Usenet.

(This is all separate from Wil Wheaton, who has his own blog, an older blog and is apparently a pretty decent guy. As a bonus, he opposes the Chimperor, so I feel kind of bad for piling on his signature character, but I'll get over it.)

bubbling up

most soap characters are annoying and bad.......

especially


sadly even dead soap characters somehow manage to come back

Star Trek, TOS: Medically Annoying

Nurse Christine Chapel, USS Enterprise, NCC-1701



Other than providing an unrequited love interest for Ol' Pointy Ears, it is hard to see what this character did, other than shrieking "Dr. McCoy!" (and providing a job for the wife of the creator/executive producer of the show). The character was at least a little more significant than Yeoman Janice Rand, who seemed to be there solely so that Kirk would have someone to leer at.

Transporter malfunction beams her into the warp core.