Thursday, June 26, 2014

Cut the Wires on these Clowns

This commercial, one of a series from DirectTV, is extraordinarily creepy:

Whoever came up with this one, all kidding aside, needs some serious professional help. The same goes for whoever reviewed it and signed off on airing it. For what it tells everyone is that DirectTV is run by a bunch of pervos. Cut the wires on the puppet and use them to hang the up the human.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Take Both Pills and Die, Already!

It's bad enough that we have the hype over Super Bowl commercials, but now we have pre-commercials.
He should take both pills-- the red one is cyanide, the blue one is strychnine. Or the other way around. Either way.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

They Should Only Choke Out and Die, Already

If you live in an area where the Sonic chain has stores, you've probably seen these two clowns.








Crimus, these commercials become so annoying that it's worth not eating there. May those two clowns choke on those hot dogs.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

If They Ever Make an Exploding Segway

Bonnie should get the first one.



Besides the fact that this commercial is as annoying as fuck, a clown who goes ripping down the aisles of a store on a Segway is just begging to be clotheslined with a broomstick.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Steamed? You Bet!

The Stanley Steemer dudes:



The creepy balding guy who is driving the pedovan company truck comes across as a serial killer who took that job so that he could scout out potential victims. Or he's a scout for a home invasion team.

Parboil both of them.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

SOPA Strike

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Thursday, January 5, 2012

Open Your Mouths and Drown!

This is the current stupid commercial that Comcast/Xfinity is now airing.



Sappy enough for the Lifetime Channel, only with guys who are too stupid to come out of the rain.

Yeah, you can get fast speed on Comcast. At five o'clock in the fucking morning. In the late afternoon and evening, forget about it, for you're using the cyber-equivalent of a telephone party line. The only people crying about Comcast are those who have seen how high their bill spiked once the promotional rates timed out, or those who are stuck with the recycled POS DVRs, cable boxes and cable modems that Comcast rents to their "customers".

There's no sound of thunder, so we can't hope that those two fools will be hit by lightning. Maybe they'll look up and drown, or catch pneumonia or be eaten by the DirectTV wolves.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Where Are the Men With the Butterfly Nets?

The Insane Target Shopper Lady:





This character needs some serious professional help, as well as a lengthy stay in a locked ward. Do straight-jackets come in red?

Maybe this year, she'll get trampled when the doors open at midnight.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Drop the Arch on This Guy

Keith Stone:



Yeah, some unshaven clown walking around with a case of beer on his shoulder is "smooth". Or he's a serious pervo who is trolling for underage boys willing to suck him off for beer.

Not only hit him with the keystone, but with the rest of the rocks in the arch.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Guess What, Lady?
Your Bank Hates Your Guts.

And those of your dog.



That guy was probably out the door ten seconds later while saying: "Gee, where has the time gone? I totally forgot that I have a dentist appointment for an emergency root canal."

This character (and her dog) ends up being shot to death by the SWAT cops after a bank robbery goes sideways.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

So Shut Up and Freeze to Death, Already

In its first segment this morning, Good Morning America asked: "What bugs you most about winter?"

My answer: Goddamn television reporters bleating about how rough winter is. Snow, ice, freezing rain, plows, sand, salt, yada yada yada.



This is the north, asswipes. It is wintertime. It is cold. It snows. It can get icy.

Deal with it and enough with the goddamn on-air kvetching. If you can't stomach winter weather, then move to some fetid shithole like Delray Beach, Phoenix or Guatemala and do your stand-ups from there.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Did You Know That You Can Kill Someone With a Sharpened #2 Pencil?

And you probably should start with these guys:



A signature is about all that those German Sludge-o-Matics are worth.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Slag the Car Dealers

I cannot tell you how sick I am of car dealers' commercials with some cheap-ass chorus wailing: "It's the Final Markdown!"

Toss those commercials, and the morons who dreamed them up, into a crusher.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Strangle This Loanshark With His Own Hair

This guy is the spokescriminal for "Western Sky Financial," a loansharking operation.


Pure and simple, loan-sharking is what they do. Their interest rate varies from 140% to as high as 200%.

How bad is that, you ask? Say you borrow $2,500. If you had a decent interest on your credit cards and you got a cash advance for that much at 20% over 3 years, you'd pay back just under $93 a month and of what you paid back, you'd pay $845 in interest charges (I'm rounding off the change).

But if you go to Western Sky, that $2,500 loan at 200% will cost you a whopping $418 a month and you'll pay $12,559 in interest charges. Even if you get their lower rate of 140%, you'll still pay $297 a month and pay $8,201 in interest charges over three years.

It was actually cheaper to borrow money from the mob, they charged a lower interest rate than those clowns. And if you think these guys are bad, read up on the "payday loan" industry, which has effective annual interest rates well over a thousand percent.

These guys are the bottom feeders of the banksters. They should be crucified on the Tree of Woe.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


Take this Lousy Dog to the Pound.
Jay Bush, owner of Bush's Baked Bean Company, uses his dog Duke as a co-star on all his commercials.
The dog is no good.
He makes Jay Bush look like a gullible idiot because the mongrel is always trying to sell the secret family recipe to anyone who asks.
Dogs are supposed to be loyal and trustworthy, but Duke Bush is a spoiled, conniving mutt who probably sheds a lot. Plus, I'm certain he's full of stinky gas from eating all those beans.
Let's put an end to this now. Here's the secret recipe:
pork n' beans
high fructose corn syrup
flavor additives
chemical preservatives
salt, pepper and fat.
Now, someone please deliver Duke to the nearest pound.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Shake Weight For Men

Gay Much?



I'd kill this character just for being stupid enough to appear in this soft porn ad for a battery operated tool that works the same muscles as the average circle jerk.
How would I kill him? Let's just say he'd be be shaking from the hips down all the way to the hospital.

Friday, August 20, 2010

I Want My DDT

Because I would use it to kill the frakking Nasonex bee:


This bug, with its fake Antonio Banderas accent, grates every time that my senses are assaulted by it.

Let me ask this, though: Who comprises the target audience for this product campaign? Are there really that many idiots who are willing to take pharmacological advice from an insect?

Spray this bug with DDT and then step on it.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

No Wonder "Twilight" is Like Soccer

For it goes on for an interminable time, there is a lot of yelling and screaming and nobody ever scores.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Kill These "Characters"



Now, of course I'm not suggesting anyone kill these actual people, I'm merely suggesting that the characters Jake and Vienna should be killed.
How?
Let's set the scene. It's twilight on a windswept California beach.
The smooching couple is huddled together under a cashmere throw, watching the approaching helicopter.
As the helicopter begins to land, sand whips up and abrades both their faces into livid red mush, blinding them in the process.
As they wretch in agony, the chopper's pilot and co-pilot wrangle them forcefully into the helicopter. Just as the chopper reaches the dividing line between the Crips and the Bloods territories in Compton, the couple are thrown from the helicopter while it's hovering a thousand feet in the air.
Yep.
Breaking up is hard to do.
(cue: On the Wings of Love)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Smash Those Toys

I have seen variants of this annoying Kia Motors commercial for some months, now. I have yet to discern how a bunch of full-sized animate toys having fun has anything to do with why anyone would want to buy a Kia.



What is the point of this commercial? Why would I want to drive a car that a bunch of screwy toys drive?

So let's strap these damn toys to a cherry bomb and blast the annoying fuckers to Hell.

(And none of this touches the point that in the military, KIA is an acronym for "killed in action", not exactly the best marketing strategy.)

Friday, April 2, 2010

World's Most Obnoxious Man



How would I kill this character? Easy! I'd bludgeon him with that blue phone until he was the same shade of blue.
Seriously, if Nationwide was my insurance carrier, I'd cancel it because of this douche bag.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Just. Fucking. Shoot. Me.

I can't think of a more grating way to start the morning than to have a mini-infomercial assault one's eyes and ears while I am trying to get the morning forecast on the Weather Channel.

And if you thought that Billy Mays was grating, the jerkwads who are marketing some gizmo called a "shoedini" have hired Gilbert Gottfried as their pitchman. (I predicted as much.)



If you can take more than five seconds of that grating voice, you're a better person than I am. I hit the mute button on my remote as fast as I could and if that didn't work, I was going to get my shotgun.

If there is anyone (other than maybe al-Rushbo and the Blubbering Fascist) who should seriously consider gargling with battery acid, it is Gilbert Gottfried. They should have used him as a CIA questioner, they could have avoided having to torture anyone. Just having to hear that voice would have been enough to get anyone to talk--- "Please, please, effendi, I'll tell you what you want to know, just make that guy shut up."

Shoehorns on sticks are not a new idea. Anyone foolish enough to buy a shoedini should have to listen to Gilbert Gottfried at least ten hours a day.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Baroness


Imagine being a mother to 7 Austrian children that wear curtains and give puppet shows. Neither could the baroness von shrager.

she couldn't even play dodge ball. And anyone who gets dumped for a nun - well time to end her run as the baroness.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Luke Wilson?!



I realize Luke Wilson is a real person and not a character in these ads per se, but I beg to differ. In these omnipresent AT&T ads, he plays the part of a doughy fat guy with horribly thin hair plastered to his head and the world's most hideous eyebrows.
He is not handsome, not even remotely sexy and he makes me glad I'm gay.
You know he's creepy when his creepy brother Owen Wilson is the more attractive brother.
How would I kill this character?
I'd stuff him full of cell phones until he explodes.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Yes, This is a Repeat. So Sue Me.

I know that two of my co-bloggers here have dealt with these guys in posts 18 months ago.
I also know that by the rules that I established for this blog, we're only supposed to wish harm to the characters, not the people.

I know that.

But these guys are really pushing the envelope on being terminally annoying. Did you know that those fuckers have a website for their "free credit report band"? And did you realize that there are probably people on this planet, outside of those living in locked wards, who download the music from the commercials?

I didn't either, not until tonight.

So here is the deal for the free credit report dot com folks: When you run a commercial that shows those guys all of a sudden sporting red 0.45in. bindis, I'll come visit your web site. I might even subscribe to your service.

And if those .45 bindis just happen to be the manifestation of a sudden and terminal case of bullet wounds, well, that's show biz.

(H/T for the bindi reference)

Monday, January 18, 2010

Joe's Crab Shit



First of all, little kids today are obnoxious and overly indulged enough as it is. To encourage them to say, "Oh shit!" at every opportunity is just plain wrong.
Besides, when I'm hungry and considering which restaurant to visit, just the thought of a table next to me with the whole family cussing throughout their meal is enough to automatically rule out Joe's Crab Shit.
Don't kill the characters in this ad, kill the nitwits who created it.
How?
Shark infested waters, of course.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Do NOT Kill This Character



In the spirit of Christmas, here's a little someone I'd love to find under my tree.
Great ad, Charlize Theron.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Shred the Dress. And the Card.

"Hey, Honey, we can't go on vacation because I blew all of our credit-card miles on this dress!"


This commercial is just ridiculous. First off, the credit card companies are busily slashing their customer base and their customers' credit lines. Second, you'll have to hunt a long way to find a straight guy who is going to be happy at the idea that, instead of being able to use the credit-card points to take a vacation, his wife used them to buy a very expensive dress. From his approving expression when she models the dress, he's probably a closeted drag queen and as soon as she goes off to work, he's going to try on that number.



Use the dress to polish your shoes. Shitcan this commercial.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Go Like a Pro- and Fucking Retire, Already

I am so sick of this one:



So National Car Rental lets you choose which color of a fleet-purchased-GM-piece-of-shit you get to rent. Big Fucking Deal. That's why you should choose National, because you get to choose the color of the car you're going to rent? Do people even open the door to see if the inside smells of puke or check the trunk for bodies?

Retire this ad.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Top Queen

What's Tiny and Macho?



Okay, okay, I admit I'm a little late to climb on the Top Gun fighter jet, but I'm just seeing Top Gun for the first time while waiting for Mad Men to come on AMC.
Was Tom Cruise kidding?
Can Navy fighter pilots actually be 19-years-old, 5'2" and gay?
It's hard to believe anyone actually bought this character and his weenie little voice, acting all butch n' stuff.
How would I kill this character?
I'd back the jet over him on the tarmac and squash him like the icky little bug he is.

Drown This Guy.

Or have him eaten by a very large octopus. It's all the same to me.



(By the way, that's about a 60 gallon barrel. 60 gallons of water, which is what whiskey pretty much is, weighs about 500lbs, plus the weight of the barrel. I don't think some pasty-faced distiller's going to be walking up a beach with it over his shoulder.)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Hang Up On This Clown

Stephen Colbert's "Atone Phone":

The Colbert Report has been doing this bit for the last three years. It was reasonably funny two years ago, but now, it has crossed over into total lameness. Ending the bit now would be a preemptive move, as next year, it will be so stale a gag that it totally sucks.

Disconnect this one
.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Low Calories and It Doesn't Taste Like Battery Acid

That seems to be the underlying pitch for Bud Light, that it has "drinkability", which seems to be beer-speak for "at least your throat won't swell shut if you drink our stuff."

Bud Light is to beer what Thunderbird is to wine. The only reasons to drink either one is because you need to get shitfaced, you don't have a lot of cash for accomplishing the task and you're too much of a pussy to just go the hard-core route and buy a plastic jug of cheap-ass vodka.

"Drinkability" is a self-selecting con; anyone stupid enough to believe that hype really should be drinking Bud Light.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Buick Enclave Ad



1. There is nothing sexy or hip about a Buick Enclave.
2. Hiring a phony, pretentious "director" to film a car in a luxurious setting when the car is better suited to a supermarket parking lot is insulting to consumers.
3. The phony director saying he "needs Zen time with this model" is loathsome. Since when is Zen synonymous with fucking, which is the implied message?
4. Why does the phony director call himself the Robin Hood of whatever? What's that got to do with anything?
5. Why is Buick trying to sell this piece of crap to hipsters? If you were 30 and had a hot date, would he or she driving up in a car like this impress you, or would you immediately look in the back for the baby seat?

How to kill this character?
Gimme the keys, I'll run him over, then throw his gasping body into the deep end.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Steer a Tornado Right Over These Clowns

Vortex 2 on the Weather Channel:



Tornado research is not a bad thing and the Vortex 2 Project is a lot larger than the Weather Channel's piece of it. But damn, can the people at the Weather Channel not talk about it 87 times each hour?

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Melt This One Down For Scrap

The various models of the Terminator:

The movies in the Terminator series have been on a long slide downhill and T-4, excuse me "Terminator Salvation" accelerates the descent. The first movie was a pretty good story. After that, each movie chipped away at having a coherent story, though T-2 was good with Linda Hamilton transitioning from terrified waitress in T-1 to guerrilla master in T-2.

T-3 had long extended action sequences that were reminiscent of a Warner Brothers cartoon, including an extremely ridiculous chase sequence in which the bad terminator, driving a large crane, chased the good terminator and John Connor. T-4 substitutes the long chase scenes of T-3 with a lot of loud explosions and sets that make the movie Sin City look real by comparison. Like every movie in the series since T-2, this one has a "good" terminator, though this one, for reasons best left unexplained (if you still want to see this steaming pile of dreck), comes to fight on the side of humanity on its own.

Script pitch: Year 2018. Good terminator helps John Connor save the young man who will become his father. The two blow up Skynet's base in San Francisco. Good terminator sacrifices himself to save Connor. Fade to credits.

The Terminator series needs to end, now. The next person to pitch a T-5 concept should be flogged with barbed wire.

Collect up all of the Terminator models and melt them down.

(We'll be dealing with the real thing by the end of this century, anyway.)

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Quizzno's Gay Sandwich

When You Hear a Male Voice Say, "Put It In Me, Scott..."



Hey, I'm all for queerie stuff on TV, but come on, a phallic sandwich and a talking male toaster oven asking a male to stick it in?
Who exactly are they trying to sell this sandwich to, Log Cabin Republicans?
As a self respecting lesbian, I might enjoy a sandwich like the new Quizzno's Torpedo, but do I really want to be thinking about some guy asking another guy to stick it in while I've got my mouth wrapped around it?
What's next, a Taco Bell ad with a female talking piece of foil asking some woman to "Lick my delicious taco?"
Well?

Saturday, May 9, 2009

He's back



enough said

more flags, more fun, more puke

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Cuban GYN/Car Salesman? WTF?



There should be some sort of qualifier before just anyone can cut a TV ad.
This guy shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a vagina or a Volkswagen, a hymen or a Hyundai, a labia or a Lexus, a pussy or a Prius, or a cooter or a Cougar.

How would I kill this character? I'd run him over in a Volkswagen, then a Hyundai, then a Lexus, then a Prius, then finish him off with a Cougar.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Twilight, Moonlight, Whatever.

Vampires. Zombies. Werewolves. Whatever.

Kill them all.





Let Lucifer sort them out.

(Thanks to CrankyProf for reminding me how much vampires and zombies annoy the shit out of me)

FGetch a large scrub brush and a bucket of lard.



Robert Pattison is the greasy, whiny, emo douche who plays a greasy, whiny emo douche vampire that sparkles in "Twilight."

As far as I can tell, his only real talent as an actor is that he repels soap and makes little tweener girls squee at ear-shattering pitches.

Can we 86 the sparkly vampire and relegate this guy to third-line fry cook at Bob's House of Vinegar and Water?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

WTF?



Where, oh where do I start?
First, the King himself is pure therapy fodder for any kiddies who watch his shiny, pedophiley face and gigantic noggin perched upon his normal adult male body, which incidentally is wearing a freakin' skirt, bobby socks and pointy Mary Janes.
But with burger joints like BK to blame for kazillions of obese children, are square butts really something they should be shooting for?
Didja ever see a woman with a square butt? Was she skinny?
No, she was not.
Butts are not square by nature. It takes a lotta lard to get a butt to turn square, unless you're a yellow kitchen sponge, and they don't exist, much less eat burgers.
And besides, this ad featuring square butts shows rectangular butts, not square butts.
It would be like Sesame Street characters singing 'The Circle Game' while playing with ovals.
And what's with calling them butts?
When I was little, butt was a bad word. I guess now a three-year-old tells his pediatrician he doesn't want a shot in his butt?

So let's review:

The King is creepy enough.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's original song, "I Like Big Butts" refers to a sexual preference, and should toddlers start preferring certain types of body parts at that age?
Sponge Bob Squarepants is almost as creepy as The King.
Square butts are nothing to shoot for.
Rectangles are not squares.
'Butt' is too mature a word for toddlers to be throwing around.

How would I kill this character?
With telephone book-piercing ammunition and a couple of blasts to the butt.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Soldiers! Destroy That Nose!

If you watch the news, you've probably seen the Omnaris ad with the legion of itty biddy soldiers who muscle up a nose spray to some woman suffering from allergies or congestion or a lack of cocaine.



This is the ad:



The really stupid thing about this ad is its obvious use of imagery from the movie Patton.



Reaching back to a movie that is nearly thirty years old would seem to be to be an advertising strategy that is insane beyond belief: "Hey, let's target our advertising for our new allergy drug to people who are old enough to join AARP." At this time of year, lots of people suffer from allergies, not just people who use glucosamine pills to lubricate their joints.

May the allergy sufferer sneeze and blow all of those little bastards to Hell.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

The GEICO Eyes



I'm almost ashamed I have GEICO car insurance.
I don't mind their little British gecko, but between the cavemen and this ad, I often consider dumping GEICO just out of principle.
Perhaps they should skip all this insipid advertising, fire their ad agency, lower their rates and hire a spokesperson to just say that?

I mean, come on, who wants disembodied eyes following them around?
Here's my plan for killing them off. Put them in my driveway and I'll back over them until they're flattened out and blind.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Sack and hack in Hackensack

Look at these characters at this jewelry store in Hackensack NJ
like Ducks in a row....

video

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Kill the character, not the actual kid



Crikey!
It would be absolutely wrong to want to kill an innocent little half-orphan girl, so I don't mean I want to kill the actual kid.
Who I want to kill is the croc hunting, snake licking, lizard loving nature character this kid happens to play.
I wasn't crazy about the kid's deddy, either. I have a strong olfactory sense and he seemed to me like he'd smell of stale B.O., reptile shit and dirty ass cheese.
And after his untimely death while fucking around with a deadly stingray, for the mother to shove this kid into his spot as a nature freak with a death wish, would it be so wrong to want to get a jump on things and just off the kid?
Well, not the kid, the character.
Yeah that's it, kill that character.
How? I'd go with a baby stingray's stinger.
Just like the deddy, only littler.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Kill Both These Characters, Then Kill the Phone



Sure, Boost cell phone ads are the worst of their kind, but this one is the worst ad for any product in history.
The last line, where this hirsute cretin says he likes breast milk just made me want to puke it was so gross.
This makes ads for Shamwow, the Charmin Bears and those creepy GEICO eyeballs look like strokes of advertising genius.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

No, no, no!

What? A Pig Eating Ham?



This is just wrong on every level.
I don't care what they're selling, this is just obnoxious.