Wednesday, December 31, 2008

To All Those Telemarketers Calling Me With "An Important Message About My Vehicle Warranty"

Go blow yourselves.

That is all.


  1. Good lord. Yes. They even call the office, the annoying jerks.

  2. Interesting anecdote from this summer:

    Moved to a new state, set up new phone etc. Sudden onslaught of telewankers.

    In 1 day, I got *10* telewanker calls. Put my number on the "do not call" list.

    ALL human telewanker calls ceased. I'm still getting *computerized* telewanker calls though - must be in the fine print somewhere....?

  3. To any telemarketers who call for any reason: death by phone cord strangulation.

  4. I have great fun with telemarketers. Usually I say "Hold on a moment. I'll get my wife. She deals with that." Then I'll leave the phone just sitting on the countertop. Sometimes they'll sit waiting for five minutes or more. There have been times I've come back, heard them still breathing and said "You don't get it, do you? No one's ever going to answer." before I hang up.

    It's a way of jamming the system. Every minute they're hanging on the phone is a minute they can't be pestering someone else. Perhaps it provides a short relaxation break from the drudgery of being verbally abused. I don't yell or curse at them because they're people too, and it's bad karma.

    In my more creative moments, like when I'm stoned, I'll riff on lines like "Your voice sounds hoarse. Are you feeling well? What's your temperature? Have you been coughing?" The idea is to reverse roles; put THEM under questioning. I generally end up diagnosing something serious and telling them to ring off quickly and call a doctor.

    A few times I've commented on their Aussie accent and asked where they were calling from. They'll say Australia, and I'll pretend I'm still living in the U.S. and that the phone call has been mistakenly routed to America.

    There's no end to the mildly malicious fun one can have with telemarketers if one puts their mind to it. Don't look upon it an an imposition; view it as an opportunity!

  5. Bukko, the US has a national "do not call" registry, so most of the teleslime these days are robocalls from spoofed numbers.

    When I get a live one, they usually ask for one of my cats, as I listed the phone under his name (and I can tell it's a teleslimer because of the background noise). The I tell them to "hold on" and I wait three minutes until I pick it up again and say "he wants to know whose calling."

    If all goes well, I can keep them on the line for ten minutes before hanging up on them.

  6. Grampa always toyed with them, too. With some, he'd play friendly, "How's your weather? Where did you go to school? Any favorite hobbies?"

    With others, he'd go the perv route, "Tell me, what color underwear do you have on? I prefer the lacy bikinis if I can ever find them in my size." That usually gets stunned silence and a hang up

  7. I love the pervert route, but when I'm in the right mood I sometimes bombard them with a lengthy antiBush/GOP screed that concludes with me saying, "I can't contribute to your cause, the economy is HORRIBLE!!!"

  8. usually they are robot calls - but when i get a live person i tell them to call Laura Bush and see if she ran over anyone lately

  9. The vehicle warranty people send letters to my house, too. I've called them twice to tell them to stop sending me this stuff.


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