Where Are the Men With the Butterfly Nets?

The Insane Target Shopper Lady:





This character needs some serious professional help, as well as a lengthy stay in a locked ward. Do straight-jackets come in red?

Maybe this year, she'll get trampled when the doors open at midnight.

Drop the Arch on This Guy

Keith Stone:



Yeah, some unshaven clown walking around with a case of beer on his shoulder is "smooth". Or he's a serious pervo who is trolling for underage boys willing to suck him off for beer.

Not only hit him with the keystone, but with the rest of the rocks in the arch.

Guess What, Lady? Your Bank Hates Your Guts.

And those of your dog.



That guy was probably out the door ten seconds later while saying: "Gee, where has the time gone? I totally forgot that I have a dentist appointment for an emergency root canal."

This character (and her dog) ends up being shot to death by the SWAT cops after a bank robbery goes sideways.

So Shut Up and Freeze to Death, Already

In its first segment this morning, Good Morning America asked: "What bugs you most about winter?"

My answer: Goddamn television reporters bleating about how rough winter is. Snow, ice, freezing rain, plows, sand, salt, yada yada yada.



This is the north, asswipes. It is wintertime. It is cold. It snows. It can get icy.

Deal with it and enough with the goddamn on-air kvetching. If you can't stomach winter weather, then move to some fetid shithole like Delray Beach, Phoenix or Guatemala and do your stand-ups from there.