Bye Bye Miss American Pie

drove my chevy to the levy
but the levy was dry
and good old boys were drinking whiskey and rye
singing this'll be the day that they die



(the characters that is)

WORST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION

Squish. Squish. Squish.

The symbolic stand-ins for bladder control problems.

So, let me get this straight. If you have to go a lot, your bladder is as inflexible as copper pipes.


But if it is too flexible, it can leak like a water balloon


These stupid stand-ins for medical conditions are nothing short of insulting. The water balloons should be squished and the copper pipe critters recycled into bullets, which should then be used on the morons who signed off on these concepts.

Arrr. Walk the Plank!

Captain Morgan
The commercials for Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum could only be more misogynistic if they showed a guy drinking the stuff and beating his girlfriend with a chain. They market it by having promotional teams of young women, the "Captain Morgan Girls," visit bars and pose with guys who, the last time they tried to get that close to an attractive woman, got served with restraining orders.

This booze is named after a vicious pirate/privateer admiral who once ordered his forces to storm a Spanish fort by using priests and nuns as human shields. There seems to be some moronic trend for naming rums after bloodthirsty pirates. Maybe this trend can be broadened; one can only assume that, in a few hundred years after most of the notoriety wears off, people will be eating at the Jeffrey Dahmer Steakhouse.

(OK, there is an Alferd Packer Grill, at the University of Colorado [motto: Have a Friend for Lunch], but given the level of college food 40 years ago, the name was more of a commentary on cafeteria food than anything else.)

Keelhaul this character under a ship infested with barnacles.

Scientifically irritating.

Oh, how this character rankles me.

A stripper-turned-scientist who manages to get over-involved or fuck up each case she touches. A CSI who still dresses as if she's working the pole at the Spearmint Rhino. (Bet those spiked heels do a number on TYVEK...) A manager who flirts/tries to get into the pants of her subordinates.

Plus...oh, the black hole of charisma and chemistry. Hell, when her real-life husband (Alan Rosenburg -- another post) appeared on screen with her, there was no zing.

please. Someone toss Catherine Willows to the carpet beetles.

Beans for Brains

Duke, the "Bush's Beans dog" and his idiot owner:

I don't give a fuck about the "secret family recipe," which undoubtedly includes bacon fat, salt, high fructose corn syrup, Red Dye No. something, and the occasional illegal worker who accidentally fell into one of the vats. The idea that people will pick up a can of beans from the shelves of supermarkets because some talking dog is willing to sell the recipe speaks more to the gullibility of the American consumer than the the quality of the product. H.L. Mencken was spot-on when he said: "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."

The pitchman needs to go back to doing something more productive, such as developing a killer meth habit.

Retire the dog.

Oh, and if you need another reason why never to crack open a can of that swill, this ought to do it for you:

Oh it was sad when the great ship went down

and didnt take her.

Smash. Smash!

The Incredible Hulk

For this post, Hulk is a stand-in for CGI animation in general. I hate watching CGI characters fight on the screen. There is no drama, no story, just the output of a bunch of computer geeks who should have "`Can` is Not the Same as `Should`" tattooed on their foreheads. CGI is becoming more and more the province of lazy movie-making: "More CGI! More gun fights! More car chases!"

(An all-CGI movie is a cartoon, those do not count.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you have a killer CGI team. Big fucking whoop. Reliance on CGI is just pitiful. You need only watch the first Star Wars movie (before Lucas fucked it up in `97) and compare it to any of the last three to see that. CGI is how Lucas was able to wring three movies out of this premise:

"Anakin Skywalker grows up, becomes a Jedi knight, schtups Princess Padamane and knoocks her up with twins, turns to the dark side with the assistance of Dick Cheney, slaughters all but two of the other Jedi knights, is horribly wounded by Obi Wan, and has to put on the black suit. The end."

Just as in every movie since Bullitt, a long car chase is a sign of "we haven't got much of a story, so we're going to drag it out" (think Ronin or Bourne Supremacy), a lot of CGI is a pretty good indication that there is going to be no there, there in the movie. CGI is the movie equivalent of "hamburger helper" or sawdust.

There ought to be a tax on the use of CGI. Or the directors need to be beaten with chains. Frankly, either solution is fine with me.

Like Buttuh

Baruch atoh adonai elohaynu melech haolem, adonai echod



Baruch atah guillotine lastreisand echaracter

Waste This Federal Douchebag

Fox Mulder.

Even though the FBI at times seems to be unable to conduct an investigation of a one-car crash (even when the driver blew .35 on a Breathalyzer), it's hard to conceive of even the Feebies being goofy enough to put up with this delusional douchebag.

Let's skip past the tragedy that undoubtedly some moron named his or her son after this clown. It's probably a good thing that this show came about before a lot of the basic cable channels began offering original dramas. Otherwise, this waste of carbon might have been named "Lifetime Mulder."

This character isn't just wearing a tinfoil hat, he wears tinfoil underwear. In a world where our own government can't competently run a two-car parade, in order to buy the crap handed out as a premise by the X-Files, you have to buy into the notion of an overarching conspiracy at something (when they were not dealing with alien abductions or other similarly loony concepts.)

Why Dana Scully didn't (a) request a new partner; or (b) just shoot this goofball in the head is beyond me. You have to suspect that she had really screwed the pooch in an earlier post to be saddled with this guy. Even being assigned to the FBI sub-sub-field office in North Dakota had to be better than being assigned to follow this drooling idiot around the country.

Fox needs to be locked in a car in summer and then die because Scully can't find the keys to let him out.

Valley of the Dolls

please please please



bring back cabbage patch! get rid of these

At the shore

this guy may be worse than Carrot Top












maybe worse, or just as worse - in every movie he was in (Son In Law, Encino Man)

Carrot Top in AT&T ads

Not that I'm competitive with my fellow Kill This Character posters, but I think I may have won the grand prize for picking the most loathsome character ever listed here.
Setting aside my personal aversion to redheads, this particular redhead is so creepy I bet even his pets lift their legs on him, that is, if they don't run away.
He's not funny.
He's not clever.
He wears eyeliner.
He's annoying.
He's obnoxious.
Did I mention he wears eyeliner?

Shrink, I Wanna Kill. Kill! Kill!

Clippy.
Clippy is fully annoying in its own right. That paperclip should be folded, spindled, mutilated and thrown into the recycle bin.

In this instance, I am using that critter as a stand-in for the evil fucks at Redmond, WA, home of MicroSoft, aka MickeySpooge, aka the Root of All Evil.

So there I was, getting ready to shut down. I was reading one last web page, no other apps were open. I turned my head to pet a cat when, out of the corner of my eye, I spied the Blue Screen of Death, which flashed and then my computer rebooted itself. Then it had to check the disk for inconsistency, in case one of the platters had turned into tapioca.

I hate Microsoft. Hate, hate, hate. I hate their bloatware and their vaporware. I'd hate their souls, if they had any, which I seriously doubt. The only thing I love about Microsoft is that every time one of those pompous fucks leaves the computer world and tries to do anything else, they take a serious financial beating. In the world of computing, Microsoft is a cross between Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il and George W. Bush. There is nothing to like about them and each OS they develop seems to be suckier than the one preceding it (except for Bob and Windows-ME, which achieved rarified levels of suckiness only reached by Heckuvajob Brownie and Herbert Hoover).

About the only thing worse than Microsoft are the Apple-bots, which are almost as annoying as your local door-to-door evangelists. Everything is "proprietary" with those clowns, meaning "you're going to pay 50% more." Apple's greed and maniacal desire to control everything is the reason why the PC whipped Apple's ass in the 1980s, allowing PCs to gain a death grip on the American workplace. Not knowing how to run a PC means you might as well be bragging about how well you can use a slide rule, so even if Apple products are "better," for most of the business world, Apples are about as useful as Strom Thurmond.

Anyway, I'm seriously considering going back to writing cuneiform on mud tablets. It can't be any more of a pain in the ass than dealing with software from Microsoft.

Borrriiinngggggg

The three most boring characters in TV history
Kill them all, poison the water supply



Keep the dog

That's the POWER of MIGHTY ANNOYING; Part 2

Yes, Billy Mays is annoying.

BUT WAIT!! THERE'S MORE!!

Even Billy Mays thinks that Billy Mays is annoying.

That's the power of mighty annoying, all right, when a pitchman can't even stand his own stuff.

At Last! A Woman for Most Guys!

The Svedka vodka fembot:
This creation is a large step up from the "Oral Annie" blow-up dolls sold in seedy sex shops off of Times Square in the pre-Disney era. I'm not at all surprised that a lot of men would be enamored with a feminine-looking robot who is programmed to overlook all of their repulsive and disgusting characteristics. When there is a guy whose idea of a smooth pick-up line is "damn, you gots all your teeth! Let's go make babies" (no shit on this one), you know that's one guy who if he's going to ever get laid in his life, it will be with a sheep, his right hand or a robot.

The last thing we need are sex robot..... wait, scratch that. If the really dumb ones gravitate towards having sex with robots, that can only improve the species. It'll be like a mass Darwin Award without the bloodshed. It'd be the end of the Bush clan!

So never mind.

The Gloves Are Off

I could stomach Gramama. I can deal with Cousin Itt. I tolerate Uncle Fester. I love when Wednesday plays Marie Antoinette with her dolls.

But we have give the boot to...



the hand. You ain't no sexy thing, Thing. Yes I am getting rid of a hand.

Kill the King

I hope the King hasn't already been listed here, but even if he has, it bears repeating.
This is the creepiest ad mascot ever.
Who would think that a huge, shiny plastic head without a functioning mouth, the ability to talk or change facial expressions would be a good mascot for a burger joint?
Where does the King put the burgers he eats, in his ass?

Please Bury Him on the Lone Prairie

John Wayne

I have no problem with Marion Michael Morrison as an actor. He made some very good movies and it is few actors who can turn an acting career into an iconic gig. Even when he stepped outside of the western genre, he did a decent job.

I have a problem, however, with the "cowboy loner cleaning up the bad guys with a Colt and a Winchester" icon. I do not think it is any accident that the three biggest clusterfucks of a war that his country has fought (at least since the British pretty much kicked our asses in the War of 1812) have been fought under the presidencies of two Texans who seemed to confuse the national interest with their testicles.

"We goan go in there and kick Commie/Raghead ass" seems to be the mindset of those two fools. Neither one of them had any conception as to what they were getting this country into and both of those endeavors ended with this country diminished.

We need a better icon than John Wayne. Retire him.

Gazooey!

The Flintstones is one of the best cartoons series ever. Well-written, sharp, and realistic in an animated sense - Fred, Wilma, Barney and Betty were the "colorized" version of Ralph, Alice, Norton and Trixie. And with special guest stars like Ann-Margrock, kids ate it up. So did adults. Even when Pebbles and Bam-Bam came along (diverting from the Honeymooners premise), the show remained at the top of its game.

But one character needs to be shot back to where he came from. This was not Norton's Man From Space.

Singing tween slunt!

This vapid twunt is the bane of my existence. You can not walk into any store without being assaulted by a wave of pink- and -purple-tinted, China-made "Hannnah Montana" crap. Clothing is adorned with her, book bags, folders, pencils, thongs, vibrators and personal lubes -- all branded with the likeness of what is supposed to be a "wholesome" role-model for girls.

You know, wholesome as in, sending mostly nekkid pictures to her boyfriend, using her cell, or posing, looking just-fucked, on "Vanity Fair." (You know...just fuck Disney altogether, while we're at it.)

Pop-tart prostitot ought to be boiled down for gelatin.

Another ensemble pain in my arse.

This show was supposed to be the absolute shit -- fuck Raymond, everyone loved this damn show!

....Except for me. I thought that the whole ensemble sucked ass. Whiny, useless, feckless gits, one and all. Clingy momma, useless and stupid ray, clueless brother, shrewish wife...even the kids were annoying enough to make my teeth ache.

Fuck Raymond and his cutesy, dysfunctional, miserable family.

Taking Virtual Reality to Insanity

The "it's like you're test-driving the car from your computer" lunatic from Vehix.com

That is such a stupid proposition that I sure hope they had to pay the actress extra money for saying those lines. Maybe next, she can look at on-line photos of a Morton's Steakhouse and say "it was so real, it's like I was sitting in there, eating a steak."








Take this character and her damn car and drop them into the car crusher.

Life and Death

You take the good,
You take the bad,
You take them both and there you have the facts of life.
The facts of life.

There's a time you gotta go and show
You're growin' now,
You know about the facts of life.
The facts of life.

When the world never seems,
To be living up to your dreams.
And suddenly you're finding out,
The facts of life are all about you.
All about you.
You-u-u-u,
A-ll about you.
It takes a lot to get em right,
But you're learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of li-fe.

Or death via arsenic poisoning administered by Mrs. Garrett in a plate of cookies with a nitroglycerin laced milk chaser.

Torturously Annoying

Jack Bauer:

I have no problem with "24," as a pure television drama. I thought the concept was interesting, at first, though the storyline was a bit much. And if it had stayed a middling "super-secret-agent" television show, that would have been fine.

But it didn't. Just like Archie Bunker legitimized being an ignorant bigot, Jack Bauer has been used by those of the Right who, at their core, really do hate freedom and liberty, as an argument for dismantling our civil liberties and protections. The morally-challenged morons in Dick Cheney's office used Jack Bauer as an argument for the de facto legalization of the committing of war crimes by people in the American government. A sitting justice of the Supreme Court has referred to Jack Bauer as justification for truncating the rule of law and the right of access to the courts.

The Right's greatest justification for the use of torture has been a fictional character. Think about that for a minute and then substitute "Santa Claus" for "Jack Bauer" to see how utterly insane that truly is. Imagine a vice president of the United States or a Supreme Court justice using Santa Claus in an argument for any purpose, and you will instantly see how low this country has sunk.

It is not Jack Bauer's fault. But he has been a harbinger of our descent into the status of being the most heavily armed rogue nation in world history. For that, he needs to die soon.

Look at Me, I'm.....

Let me start by saying i HATE this movie. Not only should Sandy Olsen (who was Sandy Dumbrowski in the much better original play from 1972 that starred Barry Bostwick and Adrienne Barbeau) and Danny Zuko fall out of the car that flies, but they should force the Pink Ladies and all of the T-Birds to suck Rydell right here.












actually there is ONE good thing about this movie (besides the closing credits, meaning it is over) -- Stockard Channing. Isn't she the most? To say the least

It may just come down to this

Eat

the

Rich.

(Mr. Potter from It's a Wonderful Life)

Jeepers Dad

He went to the "office" though no one, not even his wife (who did the dishes in pearls) had any idea what he did.

I wonder what he would have said if Beaver was a drug-addict degenerate who stole from the local stores to get his girlfriend to a "doctor"

aah life in the idyllic 1950's with Ward. The perfect dad.

Paging AARP! Paging AARP!

Indiana Jones
As a young man, Indiana Jones rode with Pancho Villa. He fought the Germans in East Africa and was in the French Army during the Battle of Verdun. 40 years later, he is hiding inside a lead-lined refrigerator when a hydrogen bomb goes off less than a mile away; the `fridge is thrown across the desert and he comes out without a bruise, let alone a broken bone or six. A little while later, Jones is in the Amazon jungle, trading punches with a Russian soldier twice his size and a third his age.

Yeah, right. Even the U.S. Army won't take men over 42 and that is downright ancient for engaging in soldiering, but there is AARP Jones, running around the jungle and fighting the Russians.

Strap this character to a scooter chair and make him listen to Wilford Brimley ads.

Page the saber-toothed tiger, STAT!

I'd like these two smeg heads to be trampled by mastodon wearing golf shoes, rolled in rock salt, and served as appetizers to the next hungry predator to saunter along.

I used to think she was a parody.

....now I realize that Dana Carvey created a template -- nay, an icon for fundies.



This character needs to be smoked like a blunt at a Snoop Dogg concert.

If you thought

Archie Bunker set back race relations, this character completely destroyed them.



H/T to JAS for the idea

Nixonian Annoying

Archie Bunker

Yes, I know that this character was supposed to be a satirical take on racism and bigotry and pride in being ignorant. But for too many people, Archie Bunker legitimized being an ignoramus and a bigot. George W. Bush is a direct descendant of Archie Bunker, a person who was proud of being a know-nothing.

Without Archie Bunker, we would not have been afflicted with Rush Limbaugh.

So damn the character of Archie Bunker to hell and, yes, while this is a violation of the ground rules of this blog, damn to hell his creators. If they are not already there.

Miss Hathaway

Damn her! It is because of Nancy Kulp's dry portrayal of a stuffy, butch "spinster" (uh huh) on The Beverly Hillbillies that I entered lesbianism with a penchant for girly girls, femmes or otherwise pretty, straight looking women who were anything but straight.
Had it not been for the public scorn heaped upon the character of Miss Hathaway, I may have preferred to chase butch women, who are famous for being a lot easier to deal with than high maintenance girly girls.
My home repairs could all have been done by now.
My lawn and car would be spotless.
I'd have ceiling fans in every room.
I wouldn't have to waste money on tools and other crap for which I have no aptitude.
I could have been a butch's kept woman had it not been for Miss Hathaway grossing me out at such an early age.
She may already be dead but believe me, the bitch had it coming.

The Butler did it

Even as an 8 year old I hated this show, with fruitiest butler (or "valet") of all time and some of the most unrealistic kids ever.

I was just gonna off Mr. French, but I decided ALL of them need to go
even Uncle Beeeaallll and Mrs. Beasley



But I would like the apartment.

Excellent

Because he epitomizes everything wrong with the filthy rich, I submit for termination......

Montgomery Burns

He owns a nuclear power plant, so it would be fitting if he died a slow, painful death from radiation poisoning, but for those who would appreciate something quicker, I suggest we send him out to play on the grounds of his estate wearing a T-bone suit.

Smithers, release the hounds......

Why They Invented Anti-Aircraft Guns

Mary Poppins.

"A spoonful of sugar makes the poison go down..." Besides the saccharine songs, Dick Van Dyke affected the worst English accent ever to assault the ears. The movie was enough to make the audience wish for becoming totally deaf and blind.

Lock and load flak guns. Fire when ready. Any questions?

The Worst Political Ad in History

Being from Texas, I have endured a landfill full of of really lousy political commercials from even lousier politicians.
But this little video takes the cake.
Sen. John Cornyn truly is playing a part in this clip. He's about as rugged a cowboy as Princess Sparkle Pony.
He's also one of Bush's main apologists and supporters in the Senate.
He's voted against education, veterans rights and every bill ever sponsored to help average Americans. Whetever claims he makes in this ad, you can believe the opposite.
He's bad all right, but not in a good-bad way.

I Couldn't Have Said it Better Myself

more cat pictures

I second the motion. The Geico Gecko needs to be eaten.

The Hills are not alive

How do you handle a problem like Maria - have the nuns off her. That would be one of my favorite things.



I always thought this would be a better movie if they killed this character early on. You know, let those brats terrorize Salzburg

Legally Annoying

Prosecutor Jack McCoy, "Law and Order."

McCoy has been manufacturing outrage in the courtroom for, oh, I don't know. It seems as though this show has been on the air since either M*A*S*H went off the air or Philo Farnsworth invented the damn idiot box. (Maybe even longer.) If it wasn't for being able to constantly air re-runs of Law and Order, TNT would have about eighteen hours of airtime to fill each day.

This character needs to be caught in bed with a dead hooker and given 25-life upstate. Far upstate.

Sorry

as one ages... this movie becomes more and more unwatchable



this one is just the worst of a ton of annoying characters
(like the monkeys, Glinda, the Lollipop Guild, the tornado, Auntie Em, the pigs, the trees with apples, the Wizard, Michael Jackson - oops wrong Wiz)

the only characters actually worthy of saving are Toto and the already dead Wicked Witch of the East.

Tho I will say this movie becomes extremely watchable if you have a ton of THC in your system.

I know I just make a ton of people upset

Head On

Needs no further explanation.

Friends of Barbie

1. there is NO way on Earth Midge and Alan had twins....




2. but maybe Ken and Barbie did

All Bears Can Eat You!

Kill The Care Bears










I hate the Care Bears and their movies, cartoons, merchandise, toys and other crap because they send the wrong message to kids: bears are sweet, cute and cuddly.
No, they are not.
Bears will chase, attack, bite, claw, skin, disembowel and then eat you, even if they are neither angry nor hungry.
Allowing animators and others who pander to impressionable children to use images of violent, carnivorous, savage beasts as adorable animal friends is just wrong.
What's next, cuddly chupacabras?
It's just wrong, I tell you, and it must be stopped.

Girls Gone Wild

Trust me on this--I like women plenty, but I hate those Girls Gone Wild ads with the steel drum Caribbean background music and a bunch of barely legal drunk girls parading around with black tape covering their nipples.
How proud their parents must be.
And I think Elliot Spitzer can vouch for at least some of their career aspirations.
It's hard to even watch Comedy Central after 10 p.m. because they play these ads every 15 minutes.
And except for that shot where the co-ed is slowly peeling off that little pleated plaid skirt...oops never mind, I digress.